Top Ten Movies That Misrepresent Homeland Security, But I Still Watch on Spike TV
[Updated to go to Eleven]
1. Air Force One — The Great Escape Pod Debate
It’s a 747 with an escape pod. A second, tiny aircraft, that the president knows how to fly, secretly stowed somewhere on the plane. So if the president ever feels the need to leave his aircraft, he can. Absurd. However, after dutifully Googling the movie to write this, I was astounded that there appears to be a hearty online debate between security professionals and people who assert they find it difficult “if not impossible” to believe there is no escape pod. One Yahoo!Answers poster actually stated, “I would consider it poor planning by the government in fact to not have a way of getting the President off of a jumbo jet in the event of a surface-to-air assault or jet fighters attacking from a rogue nation.”
Let’s do some analysis on the secret pod. If fighter jets were shooting at Air Force One, wouldn’t they then, also just shoot at the escape pod? And if fighter jets were attacking Air Force One, we would be in hostile airspace. So the President would land the pod in hostile territory and he would be alone. So maybe not the most thought through plan.
2. Men in Black
The Men in Black movie, and all of its successors. Men in Black 2, Men in Black 3, Back in Black (oh wait, that’s actually an AC/DC album). Yes we have men who go after illegal aliens. They don’t wear black suits and carry sticks with mind erasing flashy light thingies. They work at the borders and carry clipboards. However, they probably do stare at the stars at night and wonder if there is something more out there (don’t all government employees????).
PS — If we were to have a group that went after real aliens, it would be just like the movie. Not that we do… We swear… *Flashy Light Thing* This post didn’t happen, but you should go read other 5 ‘n Dime posts.
3. Enemy of the State
In this movie, Will Smith is pursued by the NSA after he unwittingly comes to possess the video documentation of a murder. Unfortunately for the Fresh Prince, the video depicts the murder of a congressman by a National Security Agency official when the congressman threatens to block counter-terrorism legislation over privacy concerns of American citizens. This is definitely a prescient topic, considering the movie was released in 1998, way ahead of Snowdengate. The technology portrayed in the movie, although outdated by today’s NSA standards, simply could not be used in the manner portrayed in the movie. Why not? Two reasons. First: it just wasn’t that sophisticated at the time. Is it now? Maybe. You’ll probably need to show your clearances to find out for sure. Don’t believe me? Check out this PBS show all about it. Second: despite popular misperceptions, the NSA cannot legally spy on American citizens just because they witnessed a murder. I can’t believe I am about to do this, but here is a link to the ACLU explaining it all. Surely they are a believable source on the topic.
4. Any Jack Ryan Movie
These movies, based on the series of novels written by Tom Clancy, are just good, clean fun. Ryan is played by a series of actors. (My favorite? A tie between any with Harrison Ford and Alec Baldwin in The Hunt for Red October. Tough call.) Why are these movies so unrealistic? Let’s remember what Jack Ryan does for a living. He is basically an Intelligence Analyst, who rises to eventually hold the positions of Deputy Director of the CIA, National Security Advisor, and eventually President. Well, maybe there is remote hope for the government drones to have this meteoric rise, but it is slightly unlikely. What is impossible: finding him in life and death scenarios in each and every job he holds in the federal government. Although some of my days at work may feel like I am the lone survivor in a RPG attack, the blood and guts in my cubicle are just metaphorical.
5. In the Line of Fire
In this movie, U.S. Secret Service Special Agent Frank Horrigan, played by Clint Eastwood, literally jumps in front of a bullet fired by bad guy Booth, played by proverbially creepy dude John Malkovich. Clint Eastwood, literally moves faster than a speeding bullet, a characteristic previously limited to Superman. Not sure how they train beating a bullet to the target at the Secret Service Academy. Side note — the movie was released in 1993, making Clint Eastwood a youthful 63 — a full six years older than the maximum age of 57 for federal agents.
6. The Bourne Identities
The series of flicks about the Treadstone program — a covert government operation centered around turning extremely handsome young men into trained assassins, willing to give up their lives and take other people’s without question or remorse. Until one guy, Jason Bourne, feels something novel on a mission — compassion. Not to imply that the federal government has never done some creepy, top secret mind control stuff to real people. (Just Google Project MKUltra and beware of falling down the conspiracy theorists rabbit hole.) But I’m going to go out on a limb here and tell you that there is not a team of hot dudes out there just waiting for their phone to ring to put together their disassembled sniper rifle and take a shot at whatever target they are provided — including killing a journalist in a crowded marketplace.
7. The Manchurian Candidate
This 2004 release starring the great Denzel Washington is (kind of) a remake of the original 1962 film by the same name. Both films are about government-sponsored brainwashing, but the similarities pretty much end there. The modern version focuses on Washington’s portrayal of a Gulf War veteran suffering from haunting visions and memory loss stemming from his Army unit’s ambush in Kuwait. The movie goes for broke, with a rogue government contractor placing implants in the soldiers involved in the ambush, one of whom becomes the Vice President. The implants allow the evil government contractor to force the former soldiers to conduct horrible acts against their own will. Aside from the whole mind control thing which I debunked above, the idea of a government contractor being able to manufacture secret, highly sophisticated and technologically advanced microchips may be the most absurd notion on the whole list. With all of the procurement, licensing, patent and human testing regulations, there is no way this would ever happen!! On the other hand, the part about the evil government contractor? Well that’s totally believable.
8. Meet the Parents
OK, so the fact that it’s Ben Stiller should be a clue that the content may not be exactly fact based. However, in one of the last scenes of the movie, Robert DeNiro conducts a lie detector test on Ben Stiller by placing his thumb on Stiller’s pulse point while asking him direct yes or no questions. Can you imagine if detecting a lie was really this clear? Life would be so simple. To your boyfriend who came home late last night while holding his wrists “were you really out with the boys?” To your kids on a Friday night, “Did the teacher really forget to give you homework?” To your employee, “Did you grandfather really die for the third time this year?” On second thought, maybe it’s better not to know….
Not only is the pulse point method a bunch of flooey, the real polygraph machine doesn’t fair much better. A 1983 study conducted by the Congressional Office of Technology Assessment found that there is only “limited scientific evidence for establishing the validity of polygraph testing….evidence seems to indicate that polygraph testing detects deceptive subjects better than chance…significant error rates are possible, and examiner and examinee differences and the use of countermeasures may further affect validity.” Translation — too many false positives due to too many variables. Result? Not admissible!!
9. True Lies
In this movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Harry Tasker — a highly trained spy, only his family has NO IDEA!! His wife, played by a very toned Jamie Lee Curtis, lives a stereotyped suburban existence believing her hubby Harry is really a salesman. It’s a good thing she’s pretty because she sure is dumb, or gullible. Let’s go with both. So most government employees who work in a cover capacity find it much easier to get their spouse cleared into the program. It helps with some of the little glitches in life, like doing your taxes, the office Christmas party and not getting your family killed by the terrorist you have been investigating in your neighborhood.
10. Spies Like Us
My personal favorite on the list. Not to age myself, but I saw it on my very first date ever. Sixth grade. His name was Brad. His mom drove us in their station wagon. OK, so maybe I am a little biased. And this one is super obvious. If you’ve seen it, you know why. If you haven’t seen it, read another 5 n’ Dime blog and then log into Hulu and watch it. Suddenly you will realize how many jokes you’ve been missing out on in your everyday life. Doctor. Doctor. Spoiler alert: there is no such thing as a GLG20. Also, not really the most accurate depiction of the U.S. missile defense system. Without breaching levels of restricted and classified information, suffice it to say, the command center is NOT situated beneath an abandoned drive-in movie theater. I think even in sixth grade I knew this was impossible, but it still made for a great movie!
11. White House Down
In talking to folks about this post, I kept getting the question, why didn’t I include White House Down? Ugh, this movie is too easy. It’s like Air Force One, on crack, and not on an airplane. From the Secret Service Detail Leader being the bad guy, to hacking into the DOD nuclear launch computers, to the super duper secret tunnels throughout DC (so super duper secret Hollywood knows about them) — it’s just utter bullshit. Not to say it isn’t entertaining (I’ll take me some Channing Tatum in a wifebeater any day, and this is far less skeevy than watching anything with the name “Magic Mike” in the title.) So there you have it, add it to the list if you want. Like Nigel says in This is Spinal Tap, “These go to eleven.”
