[Satire] TSA Rolling Out Cruise Marshals


Watch out! He could be a Cruise Marshal!

TSA is expanding the incredibly successful Air Marshal program to cruise ships. “The cruising industry represents a major transportation vulnerability,” officials at TSA claim. Since the implementation of the Air Marshal program, no airplanes have been hijacked in the United States.

Taking this successful model and rolling it out to cruise ships “just makes sense” according to multiple federal sources. The Federal Cruise Marshal Service (FCMS) will deter, detect, and defeat criminal and terrorist threats to the cruising industry. The FCMS Concept of Operations will adhere to TSA’s Risk Based Security (RBS) strategy. The Cruise Marshals will be placed on select seven, ten, and 14 day cruises originating from the United States. They will be given economy cabins to avoid any perceptions of abuse. “Getting the most out of taxpayer money is of utmost importance,” according to the TSA official. They also will not be allowed to go on shore exertions but will be required to attend various entertainment venues on the ship. Like their Air Marshal brethren, Cruise Marshals will need to operate as shadow warriors, unrecognized by the public for their contributions to Homeland Security. Cruise Marshals, nicknamed “Cuttlefish” for the sea creature’s reputation as the chameleon of the sea, will need to blend in to a variety of potential situations. The agents will receive initial and recurrent training to prepare them for the challenges associated with this unique operating environment. The training may include shuffleboard, art appraisal, karaoke, dance classes, diet, and skin protection. While they might seem mundane at first, the skills are essential to make sure the “Cuttlefish” are not easily identified. Cruise Marshals will sometimes find themselves in dangerous situations such as talent shows or all-you-can-eat buffets in which they will need to rely on their training to ensure public safety.

Asking agents to separate from their families for multiple extended periods of time is a big sacrifice. The FCMS is already planning a “Thank You Campaign” to issue hundreds of commendation letters thanking volunteers for their service. Incentives will also be designed to encourage volunteers. These incentives may include bonuses, time off upon return, or even allowing the Cruise Marshal to steer the ship while underway.

Chameleons of the Sea, Cruise Marshals operating in stressful environments such as karaoke.
Sorry, no alcohol to help the Cruise Marshal’s singing.

Posted by Pivotal Planning Team

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