I Know You’re Busy
“For what is your friend that you would seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live.” — Khalil Gibran, The Prophet
“I know you’re busy…”
This has been one of the most common phrases directed at me over the past few years. And, if I’m totally honest, I’ve used the phrase a few times too.
Usually, these are well-meaning words from well-meaning people I consider friends and positive associates. People that I would prefer to interact with on any given day. Our schedules and activities just don’t align as well as we want and there is always the easy way out of doing the work to connect — we have a lot going on.
“I know you’re busy…”
But, do we really? I mean, we haven’t talked. I’m not sure if one person is busier than another, just variations of excuses to be lazy with our love.
Everyone is Busy
Food settles on the stomach of my 1-year-old son as he rests in my arms. Next, he will scoot furiously across the living room floor in search of his favorite remote control or furniture edge upon which he will pull himself up. Then, he will be sucking down a cup of milk or barking for the food on my plate, if I would be so bold to eat anything within his peripheral view. Finally, he will be changed and then put down for a nap.
My 1-year-old son is busy.
So are my retired parents, and my single-mother sister, and my boss — the Mayor of Birmingham — all of them are busy doing something. One not greater than the other.
Being busy is not a matter of activity or inactivity. It is a matter of priority and perspective.
Everyone is Too Busy
I admit to being busy most of my adult life. Over the years, there would be seasons where I would call my loved ones to announce my busy disconnectedness and ask for understanding. The call would go something like this:
“Hey Ma, I’m going to be covered up for a few weeks, I will be in touch when I come up for air.”
“Okay, baby, be careful,” she would respond.
And, I would be out of pocket for the better part of a month, seen only by whomever I lived with, my co-workers and the office building security guards who knew me by name due to my regimen of arriving first or leaving last from the office.
I have been flagrant with my busy.
I lost time to connect with loved ones and with friends who may have needed me, but didn’t have the words or courage to call me for help — I was too busy to notice their need.
Reclaiming My Time
The past few years have been a period of reclamation of my time for me and my loved ones. I’ve been “busy” hiking, bowling and writing. I learned how to really breathe -- abdominally. And, I’ve maintained my balance through major career and life transitions.
But, I’ve earned a reputation for being busy. So, my friends give me space, yielding the time back to me and to other people.
Meanwhile, other people are demanding my time. They care less about my reclamation. They are audacious about pressing their agenda, their product, their idea. From their perspective I am a resource, not a friend. And, as a public servant I do have a responsibility to take calls and meet all manner of people and their issues. I’m good with it, but I am clear about who I am to them.
Years ago, I remember my Dad telling me that I’d be lucky to have just a handful of true friends in life. Today, I am in full recall and recognition of that truth.
Not Too Busy for a Friend
As mature adults we have all experienced contradictory truths pressing upon us at once.
For instance, I stand on my truth that I am not too busy for a friend. I try to prove this to myself by staying on the offensive doing outreach, but it is challenging. And, frankly, there are times when I am not immediately available to answer the phone or respond to a text.
Exercising grace, allowing for flexible follow up, or serving up gentle reminders is one of the best things we can do for those we consider to be truly busy. Lord knows I need it.
Too often, we wait until an issue is burning us down — usually from the inside out — before we make the strong call for help our friends need to hear. Maybe our friends should just know when we need them. Every once in a while that is true, but more often than not we are setting our friends up for failure. We need to speak up.
Eventually, we may end up asking our friends to set everything aside to triage an urgent situation that could have been gently supported sooner in the natural flow of everyday life. But, we wait. And then we see real time-priority conflicts emerge.
Beloved, we cannot run our lives into our bare margins. We should not wait until our businesses, families or souls are about to burn down to ask our firefighting friends to unhitch themselves from their lives to tame the flames. Because you know your real friends will do it for you. Don’t do it to them.
Let your friends be your still waters more often — stable, steady, calming.
Peace, be still.
Ed Fields is a marketer, strategist and producer. He currently serves as Senior Advisor and Chief Strategist for the City of Birmingham Mayor’s Office. Follow Ed on LinkedIn, Medium, or Twitter. Reach him if you aren’t too busy: ed.fields@birminghamal.gov, 205-746-5320 (cell).
