Honey Daiquiri
Macbeth; a series of emotion fueled monologues coated in hidden meanings that ultimately leaves everyone present feeling confused, suicidal or psychotic. So like any relationship ever, right?
by Nicole Brown
Distilled Daiquiri
So get this guys and gals, I Am Happy. No not just happy — At Peace. No not just at peace! Distilled. I feel calm, I feel blessed, I feel like Bic needs to pass the Doritos.
‘Pass the Doritos ya greedy git.’ I say swotting the packet from his greedy fingers as he looks up at me smugly, sucking the addictive orange Dorito powder — that I’m not convinced isn’t cocaine — from his finger tips.
‘You’re the one always calling me marga, this is how I’ll gain weight.’
‘No this is how you’ll get early stage heart failure and die.’
‘Naah, if that was gonna happen that would have happened when I was eight.’
‘Why would it have happened when you were eight?’
‘Because I used to be fat.’
‘You used to be fat!!??’ *Refer to picture*
‘It’s not that funny.’
*Refer to picture*
‘Daiquiri stop laughing.’
*Refer to picture*
‘Really Daiquiri?’
*Refer to picture*
‘You’re mean.’ Bic snatches the Doritos amidst me rolling off the couch, onto the floor, in hysterics as he turns up the T.V. and I try to catch my breath almost in tears.
‘No wait, I’m sorry, I’ll stop.’ I look up at him as he holds my gaze levelly and I suck in my lips holding back my intense desire to laugh some more. Bic used to be fat! I close my eyes, swallowing down the building giggle. I take a deep breath. I let it out. I open my eyes and look up at him. ‘So…you used to be fat?’ He holds my gaze straight faced as my lip twitches.
‘You’re not fooling anyone Daiquiri.’ I burst into more fits of laughter as he shakes his head facing the T.V. and the last advert before Friends comes on starts to play over Comedy Central.
So Rachel might be right. I might possibly be the worst girlfriend ever.
*Refer to picture*
‘So what, you’ve never had to grow out of anything?’
‘You grew out of your weight!?’
‘You know what I mean! Like you never had braces or anything that made people pick on you?’
‘Nope. Didn’t stop them from picking though.’ I hop back next to him on the couch as he reluctantly smiles, placing his arm back around me and I wipe the tears of amusement from my eyes. ‘So come on then, show me a picture of Bouncing Blubber Bic.’
‘You’re a douche, and sorry there are no pictures.’
‘You have no pictures of when you were eight?’
‘Well one but…’ Bic pauses as his face suddenly deflates seriously and he shrugs it off gesturing to the T.V. ‘Friends is back.’
‘One but what?’ He shrugs keeping his eyes locked to the screen as the little kitty named curiosity starts to purr. ‘One but what Bic?’
‘But…it’s in my house.’
‘Oh.’ We pause, turning back to Friends as I think a moment and — lightbulb! So that’s why Bic’s upset! It finally makes sense! He’s always coming over to my house and not once have I ever showed any desire to hop off my couch and go to his. Take that Rachel! I figured out why my boyfriend is upset. I am a good girlfriend! ‘So how about we go to yours one day this week and you can show me?’ I feel his body tense suddenly as he turns to face me.
‘Wait what? You want to come to mine?’
‘Yeah I don’t mind.’
‘But then you’ll meet my family?’
‘That’s cool too. So long as it’s clear that David is not gonna be there.’
‘He’s not been there for years.’ A momentary silence as Bic sighs. ‘So you want to come to mine?’
‘Yeah sure. I’ll meet your mum and your sisters and although my boyfriend’s mum’s have never liked me and all girls my age hate me I’m sure it will be fun!’ He smirks a moment in thought as he takes a deep breath in nodding.
‘Yeah ok. We can go Friday.’
‘Awesome.’ I smile snuggling back into the couch as I can’t help but mentally salute myself.
Daiquiri, you are so money supermarket.
‘So he’s cheating on you.’ I say to Katrina as she eventually — finally, stops crying.
‘Yeah, and I can’t help but like, think like…he wouldn’t cheat on you. And it’s not fair because I’m like…trying and he’s like…cheating and it’s like, hurting me so much and like… I know Daiquiri, that he misses you and I feel like that’s partly like, why he’s doing it.’ She starts to hyperventilate as she fans her face, using the corners of her sleeves to carefully wipe her mascara filled tears. ‘And like, I also know he loves me because like otherwise he’d leave init, but he’s still here and when I confront him about all the girls he like, gets off with at parties and that he just lies to me and I don’t believe him but I just can’t not believe him otherwise like…what are we init? And I know he loves me ‘cause…well you know we’ve like, done it and we still do it and-’
‘Ok Katrina I’m gonna stop you right there.’ I hold my hands up in the air, trying to create a physically wall between us as I take a steady breath and try to subside my rage, to actually be helpful. Why? Who knows? ‘You say he ‘loves you’ but if he ‘loved you’ he wouldn’t be cheating on you, and the fact that you still… ‘do it’ doesn’t mean he loves you either if anything it just means he respects you that little. But look. I’m not gonna get into your relationship stuff with you it’s not my business because thanks to you and ya know, I guess even him, Ricky isn’t my best friend anymore. He’s your boyfriend. And I’m not your enemy Katrina, no matter how hard you try to paint the picture and pin all your relationship problems on me, so you don’t have to deal with your insecurities and the fact that your boyfriend is cheating. I left you alone. I left him alone. I let you chat crap about me. I lived my life. Whatever drama is happening between you is not my fault is that clear?’ She nods sniffling up at me with soaking wet eyes as I can’t help but sigh and look away at our peers trying to eavesdrop on our conversation, pushing their faces up against the glass of the doors like caged animals. I roll my eyes grabbing Katrina by the arm, and pull her outside.
‘You’re right.’ She says after a long moment of silence while we stand at the very back of the college building where the construction students get to destroy stuff. Honestly, I’ve never seen them do anything else.
‘What?’ I say turning to Katrina as she shrugs sadly.
‘It was easier for me to blame you for everything. To just put you in the same category as Selam and say it’s your fault for Ricky not wanting me. I don’t know why I always go for these guys honestly and…ok, this time that’s not true. It started out me just…wanting to…ya know…’ She looks away suddenly flushed with guilt as I continue to watch her wipe away her tears. ‘Because he was so crazy about you and was telling everyone how much he loved you and he wasn’t ashamed and that and…I just wanted that. I wanted to be you.’
‘Gross, why?’
‘Because no guy does that. No guy has ever done that, especially not in college. But Ricky never felt that way about me and at first I didn’t care but then it started to hurt and like…the more time I spent around him, I actually found myself falling for him… Anyway I guess all I’m trying to say is… I’m sorry.’ I meet Katrina’s gaze as she blinks up at me with make-up smudged watery eyes that for the first time since this high-school emotional roller-coaster, actually looked innocent. And not like the conniving fire-breathing-lizard witch eyes I’m used to seeing. She shrugs taking a prepared breath as more tears well in her eyes and she tries not to cry. ‘The truth is, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and will probably ever have…and I’ve ruined it now.’ Tears pour from Katrina’s eyes like a waterfall as I watch her completely knocked for six. And not just because I’m surprised her body can produce more water from the amount of tears I’ve already seen her cry. But because for the first time a girl actually said out loud what I’ve secretly wished to hear my whole life. That I secretly wished Briana said before the bridges were burned and the ashes tossed into the wind. I was a good friend. Closure washes over my body, healing wounds I never realised were even still open and suddenly I see why even though I kept my distance. Even though I tried not to care too deep about Katrina Martins. I’m glad I never stopped trying to help her while we were ‘friends’. I’m glad I met her.
I pull her into a hug, and once again drift into the Veronica Mars soundtrack. Daiquiri’s Distilled ladies and gentlemen. Daiquiri’s Distilled.
I stare at my computer screen as heavy waves of depression knock me side-to-side as I wade in a pool of hormonal misery. Endometriosis and Infertility — what you need to know? Am I the only one that hears a chipper voice when they read that? I sigh closing my computer screen as my Dad walks in looking between the control pad and the remote, deciding what he’d rather spend what little time he has before he has to go and save the world again, on. He decides on the control pad as he sets up FIFA and glances back at my no doubt miserable face.
‘What happened now? More stuff happen in that show you, Honey and mum watch? Grey’s Agony or whatever.’
‘You know it’s called Grey’s Anatomy, and I don’t want to get into how much I loathe April Kepnar right now.’
‘So what’s wrong?’ I sigh again lifting my laptop from my lap as I stare ahead at the T.V. loading screen.
‘What if Honey…?… No that’s ridiculous of course Honey…’ Another sigh. ‘I want Honey to be pregnant already. I want to have a little niece or nephew call me Aunty.’
‘You have two nephews.’
‘Do they call me Aunty?’
‘Cal did once by accident.’
‘Yeah and Emma’s face went red. That was hillarious. But also disgusting. I want Honey’s babies to call me Aunty and the best part is they’ll actually know it and believe it. I want to rub her pregnant feet and bake her pregnant goods and play with her pregnant belly by rolling Malteasers off it like God intended.’ My Dad shakes his head slightly amused as he shrugs confidently.
‘You will. All in due time.’
‘How? How can you do that? How can you just be so certain all the time? Online it says that the chances of getting pregnant with Endo are slim! Online it says-’
‘That God doesn’t exist and Jennifer Lawrence deserved that Oscar?’
‘Touche.’ I reside my point, sighing back into the couch.
‘Honey will be fine, her birthday’s coming up and she’ll be surrounded by people that love her and she won’t have to think about it.’
‘Except all she’ll do is think about it getting sadder and sadder and you know Honey, that sadness soon switches to rage and that rage has absolutely no where to go except Olivia Pope, and maybe Angry Bir-’ I pause as the greatest idea ever to be aroused by man pops into my head and I pick up my phone, bringing it to my ear and dialing…dialing…dialing… ‘Hello Whit? I just had…The greatest idea.’
Stay tuned for more Honey Daiquiri…
