Honey Daiquiri Valentine’s Special
Did you know Webster defines “husband” as; ‘An unholy alliance of foolishness and privilege, man-dog.’ #truestory #marriage
By Miniq Brown
& Nicole Brown
Honey Hearts…
It’s here! The day is here! The only day that I get to show my undying love and appreciation for the people most important to me. Where I get to make up for lost time and truly devote myself to a love that has been there for me, that has guided so many of my life’s decisions, brought me joy, heartache, shaped my adult life, taught me about conscience and ecstasy. It’s time for the glitz, the glamour, the passion… Yes, it’s here. It’s this weekend. It’s- NBA ALLSTAR WEEKEND!
My boys! *Crying-face-emoji*! Sigh. Nothing could make this more perfect. I am going to curl up with league pass, wine, and wings, and watch my beautiful, athletic, jumpshot shooting, cotton jersey wearing-
‘…Only reservation I could get was nine-thirty p.m. is that okay with you?’ Whit’s drone breaks into my daydream. I pause, a handful of popcorn halfway to my mouth.
‘Huh?’
‘For V.Day!’ My husband gleams. ‘It took me ages, as usual, but I did it. I made a dinner reservation. I’m gonna take you out on the town.’
‘… Huh?’
‘Honey,’ Whit rolls his eyes, ‘I did something spontaneous. Romantic. You see, I have been listening.’
‘You made a reservation for dinner for Valentine’s Day,’ I cotton on.
‘You’ve arrived.’
‘But… I don’t want to spend Valentine’s with you!’
‘Say what again?’
‘When, when have I ever spent a V.Day with you?’ I ask. Whit Blinks at me. ‘Daiquiri and I watch slasher films to quench our teenage-skank bloodlust while we tell Bugsy that he’s the perfect man, make our plan for our three-way escape to a Utah polygamy cult, and most importantly, Watch Basketball.’
‘Yeah but that was before we were married.’
‘We were married last year.’
‘But that was growing pains, just getting used to being newlyweds.’
‘No…?’
‘You seriously don’t want to spend Valentine’s Day with your husband?’
‘Honey!’
‘The Allstar game is on V.Day! That’s God, what do you want from me.’
‘I want to watch the Allstar game too, we can watch it when we get home from dinner.’
‘Yeah but I was going to dad’s to watch Allstar Saturday night and the celebrity game and the rookie challenge. You know I have to watch my JJ in the three-point contest.’
‘So how long is that going to take?’
‘As long as it takes babe, you can’t rush perfection.’
‘What about Saturday?’
‘Daks, Bug, and I are watching movies.’
‘Have you checked with them?’
‘No…?’
‘Daks and Bug are both in relationships now. You think they don’t have other plans.’
I frown, my eyes drifting up to the ceiling. The man sounds like he’s speaking English, but…
‘Nah,’ I shake my head, ‘we’ve had a standing V.Day date since time began. They’ll be there.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘Of course I’m sure. ‘
‘Well…’ Whit flaps his hand. ‘Did you make a plan for me?’
‘In my defence, you forget every year.’
‘I buy you a rose every year.’ The righteous indignation on my husband’s face is almost comical, and almost enough to make me feel guilty. Instead I just feel bad that his feelings have been hurt by my oversight… wait, that’s… Oh crap. I do feel guilty.
Whit lets out a long sigh and his response is met by a tug in my chest. ‘I guess I’ll cancel the reservation.’ He drags his long, skinny legs out of the room and retreats up the stairs.
Damn it Whit, this isn’t fair! Don’t make me choose! I love you, you are my husband. But Honey Hearts Horror Movies. Honey Hearts Her Family. And most of all: Honey Hearts Basketball.
Desirous Daiquiri
They’ve arrived. Both in their individual cases. Equally scary, equally violent.
‘Oh I wonder which one I should give out first! Or maybe — do you think I should give it to them separately?’
‘Daiq-’
‘No! You know what, they’d want to see each other’s faces, you’re right, I should give it to them both at the same time!’ I squeal jumping up and down as Rachel stares back at me with a face I think of concern or…maybe she’s out of breath? Asthmatics do that.
‘Daiquiri…first of all, you sound like you’re prepping for a threesome which is gross, and secondly, it is Valentine’s Day and you bought your brother figure and sister presents? That’s weird!’
‘No it’s not.’ I say tucking away my newly bought Dead Island game for Bugsy and Mama DVD for Honey to hopefully give her some ideas wink-wink nudge-nudge. ‘Besides we do it every year.’
‘Still weird! I hope at the very least you spent more money on Bic’s present.’ I pause blinking back at my best friend blankly.
‘Bic’s present?’
‘Yeah.’ Blink-blink. ‘You did buy him a present didn’t you?’ Blink-blink…sniff.
‘Daiquiri!’
‘So I didn’t buy him a present! Who cares? It’s not like he bought one for me I mean come on how long have we been together? Not that long!’
‘Daiquiri honestly?’
‘Yeah honestly, how long have we been together I forget?’
‘Daiquiri!’
‘What!?’
‘You’re the worst girlfriend ever!’
‘No I’m not and you’re ruining Valentines weekend for me!’ I frown, fiddling with my freshly braided fringe, wondering if Honey will like it, wondering if I shouldn’t have overdone it with the length…a fresh wave of nerves bubbles in my stomach as the front door knocks and Rachel peaks out of the living room curtain sighing.
‘And there it is, this poor boy carrying a gift bag of hopes and dreams only to be crushed by you and your incestual relationships.’
‘You are seriously harshing my mood.’
‘I mean it though D! This is your first Valentine’s Day out of the single scene, with a guy that really likes you and is buying you gifts, and so far all you’ve done is buy a present for another man who you’re not technically related to and your sister! Who-is-married.’
‘So what’s your point?’
‘My point is, you might want to start making a back-up-plan to make up for ruining what was supposed to be a romantic day for couples!’ The front door knocks again as Rachel sighs, standing and I continue to blink back at her dumbfounded. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll get it and leave you two alone, to work out this disaster.’ She leaves the room as I hear her greet Bic at the door and all I can think is…
You know sometimes, Rachel, I really don’t like you.
‘So just so I’ve got this straight…’ Bic says as I stare at him from across the couch while he holds my gift wrapped present between us. ‘You not only didn’t plan to spend Valentine’s Day with me, you made plans to spend it with some other guy…and your sister?’
‘Ok first of all, you know Bugsy isn’t just ‘some other guy’ he’s my big brother and I love him, and second of all, Honey is my soulmate, and this is the one day a year I get to show her my un-divided love and attention.’
‘What about her birthday?’
‘Everybody’s watching.’
‘Christmas?’
‘It’s too public.’
‘Friggen Easter?’
‘That’s Jesus’s day.’
‘How about any other day but Valentine’s Day!’
‘Damn it Bic what do you want from me I love my sister!’
‘I want to spend Valentine’s Day with my girlfriend who I hoped wanted to spend it with me!’
‘And I do want to spend it with you, we can squeeze in some time before?’ I stroke his back reassuringly as he turns to face me, his big eyes hitting mine with a look I’ll never forget.
Well like that, but cuter.
I sigh.
‘Alright Bic fine…’ I mumble begrudgingly as he turns to me.
‘Huh?’
‘Fine. I’ll…I’ll talk to Bugsy…’
‘And Honey?-’
‘Yes I’ll talk to Honey too.’ He tries not to smile too wide out of respect and fails miserably as he hands me my gift with a boyish charm.
‘Happy Valentine’s Day Daiquiri.’ I snatch the present frowning up at him.
‘I hope you realise what I’m giving up! You’ve got some big shoes to fill Mr, our V.Day nights are always intimate and special and we make unforgettable, enjoyable memories together!’ I pout turning away as he kisses me on the cheek and I rip into the present to the beautifully packed Krispy Kreme Donut. I turn back to him in shock.
There is hope for you yet Bic Tandy.
I meet Daiquiri at the basketball court, a neutral ground, neither of us should make a scene. I’m early, of course. I sit at the officials table and tuck my hair behind my ear, then pull it out again, then tuck it back again. I am biting my lip, desperate for my carmex which I of course left in my handbag at home. Stupid Honey.
She’s here! My heart jumps, I fight to stay in my seat. She walks towards me, a glowing row of white teeth behind her smile, brown eyes twinkling, long black braids swinging.
‘You changed your hair!’ I exclaim much too loudly as I hug her.
‘Yes, I just wanted to try something different.’
‘Well, it looks great,’ I fluster. ‘Of course, I thought it looked great before, but, you look great, it what I’m trying to say, what I am saying.’ We stand there, nodding at each other, both of us with flushed cheeks.
‘Shall we sit down?’ she suggests.
‘Sure!’
We swoop our oversized basketball shorts beneath us and sit.
‘So, uh, you know, Allstar weekend is this weekend,’ Daks starts.
‘Yes! Can’t wait,’ I jump in.
‘It also happens to be Valentine’s Day,’ she mumbles the last part.
‘Yeah, I heard that’s what they were calling it,’ I giggle, and then internally squirm. Stupid Honey.
‘Yeah… Well I was laughing about it with Bic, and he was like, “It’s our first Valentine’s as a couple” and I was all, “Uh huh”, but apparently that means something to him. But then I was thinking about it and actually it’s my first Valentine’s Day in any relationship, I actually don’t know what it feels like to do the whole romantic thing.’ I catch my breath. ‘Not that what we do isn’t romantic!’ Daks backtracks. ‘I love watching blondes get slashed to ribbons with you, the way we share the popcorn, and get butter and sugar caked on our fingers.’ I nod, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. We both knew this was coming.
‘I know. I love it too. But you’re right, you’re in a new relationship, and I am married.’ I let out a long breath to compose myself as Daks looks down at her hands and her braided fringe falls across her eyes. I resist the urge to stroke them back off of her face.
‘So that’s that,’ Daks says with finality.
‘That’s that,’ I repeat. ‘You just, you can’t watch Wrong Turn with him, that’s our thing!’
‘I would never,’ Daks stares me straight in the eyes. I nod and swallow. She takes a breath.
‘I guess we should talk to Bug,’ I say.
‘I already did,’ Daks eyes turn dark. ‘He shrugged. Apparently he and Nora had plans anyway.’
‘He made plans with Nora!’
‘Nora,’ Daks repeats.
‘What did she do now?’ I ask.
‘Oh Honey,’ Das sighs…
I sit in my traditional gamer rage position; elbows rested on knees, eyelids pierced to eyebrows as I scream bloody murder at the friggen Chainsaw Guy.
‘Damn you friggen Chainsaw Guy!’ I shout as Bugsy and Bic bend over in hysterics and the Chainsaw Guy pulls back his chainsaw, violently slicing Jill’s head off in one jagged, gory motion. ‘Oh my God how this game cheats is unreal! You saw it right? You saw me shoot him seventy billion times in the head and then of course she tries to reload just as he approaches! Argh! This game!’ I throw my body back into the couch as Bugsy turns to me holding the Player One control pad amused.
‘It’s alright Daks, shake it off, tribal Sheva isn’t gonna unlock herself.’
‘You’re right Bugsy, I can not be selfish. For this is war. This is Resident Evil Five War!’ I spring back into position as Bic shakes his head laughing and Bugsy loads up the screen.
‘Let’s do it!’ He hits start as we move our characters in perfect synchronization.
‘Time bonus!’
‘Combo time!’
‘Destoy everything!’ I scream as we fire our guns, and in a movie moment that would make Michael Bay cry, Jill summersaults one of the infected towards the barrel just as Chris fires his gun and the whole screen lights up with a glorious explosion.
‘Boom baby!’ Bugsy says with his uncanny Emperor’s New Groove impression as I laugh and we line up back-to-back. ‘Chainsaw Guy’s at two-o’clock!’
‘Don’t worry,’ I press reload, ‘he won’t get me twice.’ I spin around to fire as-
‘Habataitara! Modoranai to itte!’ Bugsy pauses the game, answering his phone as I look at Bic and then back at Bugsy confused. It’s almost as if…the game is paused…
‘Hello?’ Bugsy says as I sigh, feeling my gaming buzz start to fade. ‘Wait what?… Are you ok?… Yeah… Yeah ok. See you soon.’ He hangs up the phone, his face set in an unreadable but clearly unhappy expression as he returns it to his pocket looking back at the T.V.
‘Is everything ok?’
‘Yeah. Just Nora.’
‘Oh… Is she coming over?’
‘No.’
‘But you said you’d see her soon so…’
‘Yeah I’m gonna go meet her.’
‘Oh…’ He looks up at the time as I glance back at Bic while he watches me sensing the tension.
‘I want to finish the game but…If I don’t leave now I won’t make it in time and…she’s already upset so…’
‘Oh…ok…’ He returns the game to its home-screen handing the control pad to Bic as he stands leaving the room with a sigh. I wait for the sound of the door shutting before turning to Bic and glancing back at the game.
‘Ready?’ He asks as I shake my head in genuine disbelief of what just happened.
‘Nora,’ I growl.
‘Why, what did she do to you?’ …
I open my parent’s cupboard out of habit, desperately hungry for something to eat having spent the past hour and a half on a train due to a strike that didn’t even get me to my home.
‘Mom,’ I call up the stairs. ‘Where’s the cinabun I left in here on Sunday? You know they are my life’s blood.’ Just as I close my mouth the kitchen door opens and Nora stands in the doorway, her fingertips sticky with cream cheese, and on her breath the unmistakable aroma of cinnamon.
‘Nora,’ Daks shakes her head as if grieving her corpse #DeadToMe. ‘So that’s it then.’
‘Yep.’ We look at each other, not sure whether or not we should embrace, neither of us knowing what should come next.
The blow of the whistle breaks us up.
‘Circle!’ Coach Dad barks, and we jump up, Daks spanking me on the butt as we join the session.
‘Can you turn it up? I can’t hear it.’
‘That’s rich coming from you, the guy that mumbles all the time.’ I hold down the volume button as Colin Firth stands in the restaurant professing his love to Lucia Moniz. That’s right, I know all their real names. I give myself a mental theatre-school high five then retract it immediately because I go to Nescot…and moving on. ‘I can’t believe you’ve never watched Love Actually. You must live in a cave.’
‘I live in Beddington, so pretty close actually. To be honest I’m surprised you’ve watched it.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘It means you being even slightly more girly.’
‘Excuse me, I’ll have you know I watch Love Actually every year and I love it every time, I also love Demi Lovato and want to Mack on Mr. Darcy, there — proof I’m a girl.’
‘Who the hell is Mr. Darcy?’
‘Oh my God, Bic, I can’t believe you said that I have to text Honey.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Of course.’
‘No I mean, are you serious? Can you not go a whole movie without messaging Honey?’
‘Sorry I didn’t realise it was such a big deal.’ I roll my eyes shoving my phone back in my pocket upset as Bic takes a heavy breath.
‘Look. Can we just not talk about Honey please?’
‘I was just saying…’
‘I know, I’m sorry but…can we just…watch the movie together please.’
‘Ok…’ I readjust in the seat as Bic sighs facing ahead and I place my head back on his shoulder.
‘You learned English.’ Colin says.
‘Just in cases.’ Lucia responds as I can’t help but snigger.
‘What?’ Bic says looking down at me from the corner of his eye as I shrug.
‘Nothing.’
‘No what is it?’
‘Oh nothing, it’s silly it’s just one of them things init, you’d have to be there.’
‘Okaay, well how about you just tell me anyway and who knows, I might find it funny too.’
‘It’s just that Honey said-’
‘Oh my God if we’re just gonna talk about Honey all day we might as well just go and watch the movie over there!’
‘Oh my God really!? Oh Bic you are the best!’ I jump off the couch sprinting straight to the shoes and overnight bag I left at the door. ‘Just in cases.’ I snigger to myself excitedly.
‘You’re here!’ I squeal as I throw open the door and jump up and down.
‘She wouldn’t stop whining,’ Whit mumbles.
‘OMIGOSH Daks, I have so much to tell you. I saw a nectarine the shape of a Shuriken!’
‘No way!’
‘I’m gonna go pet the cat,’ Whit grumbles.
‘I hope that’s not a euphemism,’ I breathe happily. ‘I have Daiquiri, Basketball, and Booze, my three true loves- oh, hey Bic, were you always there. You brought Love Actually!’
‘Just in cases!’ We sing simultaneously and then cackle with laughter. Bic and Whit exchange straight faces and then leave in the direction of the Xbox.
‘No Bugsy?’ I ask, and Daks shakes her head. We pause in contemplative silence for our fallen comrade. ‘Oh well, the show must go on.’
I turn on league pass up and try to get Daiquiri to stop making death threats to Stephen Curry as we cosy up on the floor. Only one thing missing.
‘Whit! Chicken Wings!’ I do my best Thor impression.
‘Only need me for food huh?’
‘And the other thing, but there are virgins present.’
‘Honey!’
‘I’m sorry I had some soco. A lot. A lot of soco.’
‘I need your debit card,’ Whit groans as he makes his way over to me and Bic and Daiquiri float into the kitchen for the alcohol. I scrabble around my purse for the card and hand it to my husband, holding onto it so he looks me in the eye.
‘You don’t really think I love basketball more than you do you?’ I ask. Whit shrugs and I pout. ‘You’re at least equals,’ I say in a voice that would rival Nora’s baby voice. ‘I want to be one of those girls who gets all mushy about Valentine’s day and likes casual touches and gives crap about Demi Lovato-’
‘No you don’t.’
‘I really don’t.’
Suddenly Whit smiles. He reaches down to kiss me on the cheek. ‘You’re my Allstar,’ he says as he slips a note into the pocket of my dressing gown.
Happy Allstar Weekend! Stay tuned for more Honey Daiquiri…
