Honey Daiquiri Christmas Special!
Don’t expect me to be tweeting over Christmas, me and Jesus be like- “Happy Birthday dear Redeemer King!!” #Blackish…
by Miniq Brown & Nicole Brown
Honey Hammered
‘All I want for Christmas- is a functioning uterus!’ I sing into my blender full of pina colada as I dance in my pyjamas around my tiny kitchen with the blinds open. Oh yeah, I’ve steered into this depression thing full throttle, listening to Pink and Linkin Park, day-drinking.
Sigh. So this is what failure feels like. Daiquiri is right, it’s fun- Not that my sister is a failure, but her general lack of hygiene or ambition on the weekends or before eleven a.m. makes her well accustomed to the lifestyle.
I don’t have the pressure of my own anal-retentive expectations hanging over my head anymore. Uni has broken up until January and expects me to complete three assignments by the time I get back- they can suck it. It’s called a BREAK Goldsmiths. I am supposed to spend quality time with my fruit salad of a family and Jesus. I am done jumping through hoops for you people because in the end what does it get me? Documented proof that I’m smarter than Bentley? What else, when my body can’t even make a baby? I’m done. No more astronomical expectations from my tutors. No more delicately evading racism. What will Honey do with her new-found freedom?
Write songs. Sad sad songs that make Adele feel like a vacation to Disney Land.
‘My body isn’t my friend!’ I sing a Honey Sax original as my glass runs low and so I drink directly from the lip of the blender. ‘My bofsdhf dskfnkd-’ I continue, trying not to turn my face into pâté- unplugging it would probably have been wise, but hey- I’m a loser now! Besides, I could pull off the Mickey Rourke look, right?
Come on, don’t lie to me.
‘I will beat you, I will win!’ I go Ariana Grande on that ish, all high and discordant as I whip my imaginary ponytail and pretend that I’m dressed like a porno cheerleader. I whip a little too hard and stumble. I try to catch myself by dropping into a lunge and then scream as a searing pain tears through my neonatal cleft.
‘Omigod. I’m dying,’ I gasp as I collapse to the ground.
Daiquiri’s Duvet
I saw Ricky today. We looked at each other from across the hall knowing it would be the last time we saw each other possibly ever again. College has broken up for the Christmas holidays and Ricky has officially and successfully managed to complete his Art Diploma meaning there’s no reason for him to ever come back to campus. He flashed me a sad smile as I could hear the Veronica Mars soundtrack playing bitterly in my head while I flashed him one back. ‘A long time ago, we used to be friends…’ He waved and for a brief moment I considered walking over to him and saying my last farewell. That was until Skankszilla came over and threw herself onto the entire left side of his body, placing a thick lip-stick stained kiss on his cheek and throwing a smug glance back at me.
Oh Katrina. I would never wish bad things, but I hope you slip one day putting on your mascara and stab yourself in the eyeball #HappyTreeFriends style.
Merry Christmas!
Dak’s Diary
Dear God,
I hate to question your great wisdom and truth. But why oh why did you create Quest Strikers? Was it just to test me and my patience? Or was his only purpose in life to destroy my relationship?
‘Is it true?’ I asked Fanning as he crosses his arms leaning against the wall, frowning like a kid on a time-out.
‘Is what true?’ He said, still not looking me in the eyes like he hadn’t all damn day.
‘Did you kiss Lizzy!?’ I shouted as he continued to glare away from me and I felt my patience give in. I slapped him in the arm as he turned to me with tears of anger in his eyes, which I returned in kind. ‘Did you Fanning!?’
‘Who told you?’
‘Who cares!? Is it true?’
‘Yes.’ He said as his face flushed red and I clenched my fists together so tightly I was sure I pierced my skin.
‘You kissed her after everything she did to you? Do you not remember her cousin beating the crap out of you or did you brain have a fart and you forgot?’
‘I remember…I just didn’t care.’ Tears filled my eyes but I refused to let them drop. Crying in this situation would only prove defeat, and I don’t go down that easy.
‘You’re a jerk Fanning.’
‘Yeah well you like jerks don’t you? At least now you get to be with the jerk you want to be with.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘Quest! I see the way he looks at you there’s no point in acting like you don’t like the attention he brings.’
‘Oh go crap on yourself Fanning! All this time I’ve been sticking up for you and risked Rachel being mad at me just to be with you because that’s how much I liked you but you’re exactly what you acted like the whole first year of high school.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘A knob Fanning. You — are — a — knob. And you’re also single. So you can get to crapping yourself now.’ I stormed away finally allowing my tears to fall as I pretended not to feel the cracking of my heart.
Once again Daiquiri, the only consistent relationship you can hold is with your Duvet.
And what a relationship it’s been.
Honey Hospitalised
So. I’m in hospital. What did Santa bring me for Christmas? Rectal Exams. Numerous Rectal Exams. No gloves. No lube. #Mayday
‘I just can’t feel it,’ says the ER doctor with her arm half way to China. ‘I think I need to go deeper.’
‘For the love of Holly woman NO.’ No matter how many times I tell her the cyst is not something she’ll be able to grab a hold of she does not listen. She has also never heard of endometriosis and has ordered a gynae consult which should have come by now because if one more person puts their finger in my-
‘ARGH! Are you done now!’ I demand, and she finally extracts her hand.
‘Yes. Do you mind if I have my supervisor take a look too?’
‘Yes, I mind. I very much mind. Where are the painkillers you promised me?’
‘Didn’t you get the paracetamol?’
‘Para- I want Oxymorph, I want Codipar- Give me Diclofenac Sodium-’
‘You know your pain meds.’
‘I want my pain meds. What can you do about that ma’am?’
‘I’ll sort that out for you Ms. Adams.’
She finally leaves my cubicle and I collect what shards of dignity I have left as my curtain flies open and Mom piles in.
‘Daiquiri!’ she cries.
‘Honey-’
‘Honey!’ she corrects, and throws her arms around me. ‘Omigosh sweetie, what happened?’
‘Oh, you know, my body hates me.’
‘Well what have they said?’
‘The first doctor was talking about surgical options, the other one seemed to just like being inside my body. All in all, nobody knows what they’re going to do except pump me full of drugs, and I am down for that.’
‘Where’s Whit?’
‘He’s rushing from a meeting. I told him not to bother, there’s nothing he can do here. Same goes for you, you might as well go home.’
‘Are you kidding?’ Mom looks genuinely offended. ‘You are my baby.’ She goes to continue but her voice catches. She parts her lips to speak again, but instead she bursts into tears. I ignore the retching scream of by endo cyst and cross the bed to throw my arms around my mother. After all these months, Don Simon has finally caught up.
Downhearted Daiquiri
‘Merry almost Christmas!!’ Rachel screams down the phone as I hold it four centimetres from my face, waiting for the ringing in my ears to stop before daring to return it.
‘Merry almost Christmas to you too Ray.’
‘Soooo…?’ She says in that best friend that knows your secret voice.
‘Sooo, what?’
‘Sooo, Bic? What happened after I left?’
‘Um. He went home because Fam Fest was over?’
‘No you know what I mean, you guys were really getting along and you even shared your crisps and gave him your number — and you never give out your number so you know that’s something special, plus TJ was watching you the whole day even while the game was on so you know say he sensed the ‘sparks’ too.’ I smiled at my best friend’s knack for locating drama as I sighed into my bed, switching my phone to my serious ear. Come on, we all do it.
‘Right, well… He kinda… well let’s see, it’s kinda like… Ok, you know like how-’ I sigh as the other end of the line goes silent while Rachael waits expectantly for an answer I don’t quiet have yet. ‘I don’t think I like him.’
‘What!? No way!’ She moans. ‘But you spent the whole day together like literally the whole day, and he even said in front of all of TJ and his friends that he wanted to stay with you instead of shoot around with them remember?’
‘Yes, I remember.’
‘So what’s the problem?’
‘The problem Rachel…is that he’s not Ricky.’ I say as for the first time I realise I am soul-shatteringly alone and missing my former friend. ‘I gotta go Rachel, Merry Christmas.’
‘Merry Christmas Dee.’ I hang up the phone letting out a heavy breath. And with that Christmas epiphany, it’s time I talk to Honey. I climb out of bed opening up my bedroom door as I put on my knee-high winter boots and my dad walks up the stairs carrying his tea.
‘Where’d you think you’re going?’
‘To see Honey, but don’t wait up ‘cause chances are I’ll be sleeping over…again…as always…forever.’ I stand as my dad smirks.
‘Yeah, you can’t sleep over Honey’s.’
‘Why not? Is she with Kara? That two-timing — it’s Kara isn’t it?’
‘No it’s not Kara. You can’t sleep over Honey’s because she’s in hospital.’ My mouth drops as my father stares back at me sipping his tea. ‘What? You didn’t know?’ I take a breath and -
‘WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!?????’
Heir Honey
Funny thing about being in a hospital bed? Apparently it gives you access to unlimited knowledge and wisdom.
Mom and I cried for twenty minutes. ‘It’s not like I even wanted another child, but then my body gave me this opportunity, this miracle, and then just like that took it all away. And now I’m healed, I’m fine, it’s as if it never happened.’
‘Don Simon was real mom. Don’t ever doubt the realness of that experience. Without him the doctors would never have even discovered you had an issue. He basically saved your life, and he’s probably the most useful and least crazy of all your kids.’ She managed to chuckle. ‘I mean it. Don Simon is my don. He saved you. His life was meaningful, God gave him to you for a purpose, to prepare you for whatever he has next for this family, I truly believe that.’
‘I love you Daiquiri.’
‘Honey-’
‘Honey.’ She hugged me again and I sent her to talk to dad, there’s only so much counselling one can do from one’s sickbed.
The doctors did eventually bring me a bunch of drugs so I feel okay, only a slight twinge from the cyst while I hold my breath on the promise that a consultant will see me soon.
So now I’m alone, and what am I to do…? Except binge watch all of season five of Scandal. I know, I quit that show, I’m losing respect for myself as I type, but Mellie! I can’t just abandon Mellie like everyone else does. I am about twenty-three minutes into Olivia Pope wrapping her legs around President Ass-Face, again, when Daiquiri walks in.
‘Are you trying to kill me?’
‘Hello Honey, I mean Daiquiri, now I’m doing it.’
‘Do you want me to die? Is that it?’
‘To what are your referring sibling?’ I ask, pressing pause, although we all know what is about to come next.
‘YOU DIDN’T IMMEDIATELY TELL ME YOU WERE IN HOSPITAL?!’
‘I was busy! What with the writhing in pain!’
‘You texted Mom! And Whit, although, where is he?’ I wave my hand dismissively. ‘I told you he doesn’t love you as much as I do.
‘I’m fine Daks, just the stupid endo reminding my stupid body that it’s stupid.’ I cross my legs and push the tray table out of the way as my sister takes a seat. ‘So, what’s new with you?’ Daiquiri makes that face where she wants to blurt something but is considering whether or not it is insensitive given my condition. ‘Just spit it out.’
‘Bic!’
‘Bic Tandy.’
‘Don’t say it while laughing.’
‘I’m not laughing, that’s just the sound his name makes.’
‘Honeeeeey.’
‘Okay, I’m listening.’
‘We had FamFest right, and that was great. We talked and we acted like idiots. We were silly and immature and it was hilarious and I haven’t had that much fun with anyone since…’
‘Ricky.’
‘Right… But he’s not Ricky.’
‘You want to be with Ricky?’
‘No!’
‘You want to be with Bic?’
‘No!’
‘Well, what do you want?’
‘I don’t know!’
I sigh as my baby sister buries her head in her hands with too much pride to cry, but not so much that she can’t heave frustrated mock-sobs.
‘Oh Daiquiri,’ I smile sadly. ‘Shut The Hell Up.’ I sit up and, much as it pains me, kick my feet out of bed. ‘You are beautiful and smart and talented and you’re coming to me all depressed because you don’t know what boyfriend to choose? I can’t believe I’m hearing my own sister talk like she can’t be happy unless she has some knuckle-dragging Y chromosome to complete her. Or, in the words of Olivia Pope, “What man am I defining myself by today? Am I the President’s girl? Jake’s girl? Daddy’s girl? I don’t know, they’re all so powerful!” Teaching a whole new generation of girls to base their entire identity on who they’re sleeping with. Go ahead and do everything contrary to the message you’re preaching, destroy all women- countries- people- and then still get to wear your white hat from your throne of self-righteousness while you watch it all burn!’
‘… Honey-’
‘I’m getting off topic, by my point is… I have a point.’
‘Bic?’
‘Right. It doesn’t matter who you choose Daks. What matters is who you are. What are you going to do that makes you a better, healthier person. What is going to make you happy? You already know Ricky doesn’t make you happy, so why on earth would you measure anyone else by him?’
Daks opens her mouth to speak and then purses her lips contemplatively. ‘You make good points…’ She thinks about it.
‘Bic seems like a great guy, but don’t lose yourself in it too soon. You’re young, be young. Stop thinking if you try hard enough the next guy will be The One, it will just doom it. And also, don’t ask my advice while I’m catching up on Scandal. I get too full of feminist rage.’
‘Noted.’
‘It’ll be fine Daks,’ I breathe as I tuck my arm around my sister. ‘Trust yourself. You’re not a total idiot.’ I pat Daiquiri on the shoulder as yet another consultant walks right past my bed. ‘Alright, let’s blow this joint. I’m taking the drugs- Merry Christmas to me!’
Daiquiri’s Decision
I stand on the three throw line aiming the ball at the center of the small square as I release it and it bounces hard off the backboard hitting the rim and shoots across the court. I drop my arms rolling my eyes.
‘These rims are the devil!’ I say in my best ‘mother from the Waterboy’ accent as Bic Tandy walks in carrying his kit bag on his hip, staring back at me with huge eager eyes. I feel a flutter in my chest as I smile and he smiles back throwing his bag down to the side and grabbing my ball as it rolls to his feet. ‘Thanks.’ I say holding out my hands as he passes it to me.
‘It’s cool.’ I bounce the ball as it hits into my big toe rolling away and we both stare at it pausing.
‘So that just happened.’ I say as we instantly start laughing and he jogs to the other side of the court picking up the ball and walking over to me. I hold out my hands embarrassed as he smiles placing the ball in it carefully.
‘There you go. You got it?’
‘Uh huh I got it.’
‘You sure yeah?’ I smile taking the ball, bouncing it away from my feet as he looks around the empty court trying his best to not look nervous. ‘So, is Bugsy not here?’
‘He went up to the water fountain.’
‘Oh ok, cool.’ He nods for longer than necessary as we stand in silence and I can’t help but smile back at him as he watches me awkwardly.
‘Bic?’
‘Yeah?’
‘You okay?’ He laughs taking a small step towards me, staring down at his feet.
‘Yeah it’s just…remembered what we joked about before? Like this morning? When I messaged you?’
‘Uh-huh?’
‘And remember I said that…ya know wouldn’t it be funny if I asked you out and you were like ‘lol’?’
‘Yeah, and I said ‘asking me out over the phone doesn’t count as asking me out’?’
‘Right.’ We pause again as I blink up at him amused and he shuffles side-to-side uncomfortably and I hold back my smile, enjoying watching him squirm. He clears his throat taking another step towards me as I raise my eyebrows and he pauses with wide anticipant eyes.
‘Is there something you want Bic?’
‘Um…Daiquiri?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Would you…like to be my girlfriend?’
‘Yeah?’ I say easily, but before I have a chance to be surprised at myself he hugs me. I close my arms around his back, feeling his heart beat fast against my chest as I smile and he holds me tight. Well that wasn’t hard at all Daiquiri. I think to myself as Bic releases me smiling down at me happily. Out of all the decisions I’ve made this year, this was by far the easiest. He places his hand on my cheek as I glance down at it and he kisses me. I freeze statically as he steps back smiling so wide I can count every one of his teeth.
‘Merry Christmas Daiquiri.’ He says as I try to wrap my head around my first kiss.
We’ll be back it January y’all! And to all a good night…
