Honey Daiquiri Mother’s Day Special!
Trying to explain to the police that I wasn’t harassing that pregnant woman when I asked her how her cervix felt, I’m just studying to be a Midwife… That makes it ok…what? It’s Mothers Day! #ToPregnantWomenEverywhere
by Miniq Brown &
Nicole Brown
Honey’s Hulk
So. Guess what I get to do today? Transvaginal Surgery! Yay…. Okay, you got me, but there is literally no way to put a positive spin on that. Today I am going to have explorative surgery to confirm and treat endometriosis once and for all and hopefully restore my fertility.
I don’t know why the thought of that makes me want to weep. Maybe it’s the image of several faceless men ferreting around my most intimate areas while I’m unconscious- and yes in my dreams they all look like Bill Cosby. I should be excited. This surgery should be the end of my worries, and yes, it sucks that it’s occurring days before my birthday, but beggars can’t be choosers.
‘Please Sir, can I have a child?’
‘Are you ready?’ Whit asks as I take all valuables out of my handbag- I’m going to Mayday people, take no chances.
‘Yess,’ I hiss, albeit sharper than I intended.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ he asks; harmless, unless what’s wrong with you is your uterus and you’re about to be excavated by laser donning explorers.
‘Nothing!’ I say instead.
‘Fine,’ he raises his hands, ‘jeez. You just seem so-’
‘I seem what, Whit?’ My husband takes one look at my face and backs out of the room.
Okay, I’m crabby. Wouldn’t you be if you were about to become the starring feature in What Lies Beneath? I’ve been trying to hold it together for Mom, who cries whenever she looks at me and sees the fleet of grandchildren that won’t be happening, and Daiquiri, who, if looks could impregnate, would have fathered nine of my children by now. I want to put on a brave face for them, and I think I’m doing a pretty good job, there’s no way anyone has guessed that under each and every interaction bubbles this all-consuming, mind-curdlingly potent RAGE.
Why you ask?
5 Reasons For Honey’s Hulk
1- The inability for anything in my life to come easily. No matter what it is, where other people seem to skate through life even some of the time, I seem to drag behind with jagged metal spurs on my feet; I’m sturdier, sure, but everything takes longer and is twice as painful.
2- I’M INFERTILE. And come on, I started my periods at age nine. What was all that prep for if this is the result?!
3- Racism, always, and I still have two more months of Goldsmiths before my tutors unshackle me to run barefoot across the cotton field of graduation.
4- No one has pressed pause on life just because things suck right now. I still have work, and assignments, and dissertations, and I’m being pulled in so many directions I find myself Googling how to load a shotgun.
5- My husband who believes that his inability to read my mind is somehow my fault?
I have to pull it together. I can’t go under general anaesthetic with all this negative energy, it feels enough like dying as it is.
Deep breathes Honey, meditate on the image of a lake… If only unfiltered water sources didn’t fill me with discontent.
Dynamic Daiquiri Duo!
‘So? Where does she think you are?’
‘Err…just out I think.’
‘Your wife just had surgery and you didn’t tell her where you were going?’
‘I can’t lie to Honey, she can sniff right through it like a bloodhound.’
‘This I know…this I know.’
‘We’re here.’ Dad says as Whit and I spin around excitedly, hands pressed to the window like two kids on a field trip to Never Land! The Peter Pan one not the questionable one. We pull up into the parking lot as Whit and I go over the plan once more.
‘So, we’re getting glasses, but how many should we get?’
‘Well how many do we need?’
‘I guess that depends on how many balloons Bugs gets today.’
‘True, the last thing we want is to run out of glasses and there still be balloons, or vice-versa.’
‘And there’s like a hundred in a pack so lets just get four cases to be sure.’
‘Ok!’
‘Yay!’ We skip off towards the one place I know will have cheap, thinly made glass cups fit for breaking — IKEA — as Dad trails behind us both ashamed, and amused at our childish excitement. Because it’s that time ladies and gents. The time that comes but once a year where Honey gets one year older. The time for no-holds-barred brilliance that can only stem from-
*Cue Drum Roll*…
The DYNAMIC DAIQUIRI DUO!
Dibs on Robin! People might question my sexuality but at least I’m not destined to die alone like Batman over there. #RIPTalia
We each reach for a trolley as we face the sign that says- ‘Kitchen & Glassware, upstairs’ and we head towards our target, both our eyes set in wide gleeful excitement as the escalator gets higher…and higher…
‘We are such geniuses.’
‘I know right!’ Dad shakes his head this time definitely ashamed, and as Whit and I laugh it’s hard to imagine a time when I didn’t like him.
*Cue flashing lights as we fade into the past*
I wonder around my bedroom bored since putting my Bratz dolls on a time out — she knows what she said! — as I try to find something to entertain myself. I try all of three seconds before finally settling on — I wonder what Honey’s doing! I skip down the stairs placing my hand on the dining room door as -
‘Don’t go in there.’ My Dad says as I look up at him sadly and he stands in the kitchen doorway, opening out the fridge.
‘But Honey’s in there?’
‘So? Don’t go in.’
‘But why not?’ Dad gives me a look as I suck in all disobedience and brattyness. ‘Please?’ I add as he pulls out the milk walking over to his half made tea.
‘Honey and Whit are in there and they’re talking.’
‘Oh…Whit’s here. But-’ My Dad gives me another look as I frown, not wanting to get in trouble and back away from the door handle.
‘Just wait until after, go play in the living room.’ I sigh, taking heavy slumping steps into the living room as I look up at the PlayStation, and TV and DVD rack bored. There’s just nothing to do in this house! I sigh, dropping into the couch miserably.
An hour and a half later I hear the dinning room door swing open and almost simultaneously shut at the same time as the front door. I sit up from the couch intrigued, pausing The Sword In The Stone as the sound of footsteps rush up the stairs and the bedroom door slams shut. Sorry Camelot, but my Sister Senses are tingling. I throw down the remote rushing up the stairs as I press my entire body and face up against the door and listen…
*Sniffle-Sniff…Sniffle-whimper-sniff* …Is that? But it can’t be?
I slowly push open the door leaning inside as Honey sits on the bed, writing in her diary, long glistening tears rolling over her cheeks and her hand clutching her pen while she writes vigorously across the page. She looks up at me as I freeze caught off-guard and try to act casual.
‘What?’ Honey says brushing the tears from her face annoyed as I shift uncomfortably in place, shrugging. ‘Daiquiri please go away, I’m not in the mood.’
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing, just go downstairs.’
‘But Honey you’re crying.’
‘Daiquiri!’ I close my mouth as my sister looks back at me with unmistakable hurt in her eyes and for the first time in my eleven-years of life, I read the room, and leave her alone. I shut the bedroom door walking over to the stairs as I sit down, looking ahead at the door. *Whimper-whimper-sniff*. I look down as tears build in my eyes and I try to think of what to do to cheer her up. Honey rarely cries, so this is my moment to shine. To be the little sister she asked for and come to the rescue! But nothing I do works anymore. Lately the only person able to cheer her up is…
‘Whit.’ I growl to myself as I hug my knees annoyed. ‘Oh I’ll teach you to make my sister laugh and cry.’
Fingers. Tiny fawn brown fingers reaching towards my face. Blonde-brown curls tickling her perfectly flush cheeks. Blue eyes. Crystal blue eyes that are exactly mine, but not. Mine. She’s mine. She’s all mine…
I open my eyes with a cramping sensation in my stomach and a pungent taste in my mouth.
‘The surgery was successful,’ a voice tells me. I must have been awake for some time already because I don’t remember someone being in the room what felt like a moment ago, but now an older-looking man with bushy grey eyebrows looks at me over low glasses. I try to latch onto the face in my dream. ‘We were able to confirm, you do have endometriosis.’ Mom gasps beside me, her hand in mine- where did she come from? ‘Here are pictures of your uterus, those black dots, that’s endometriosis. We treated those with laser therapy and gave you a D&C.’
‘Her fertility?’ Mom whimpers.
‘She will have to follow up with the fertility specialists. Thank you. Good luck.’ The Doctor leaves, too busy to make eye contact, but then I guess he’s already seen all he needs to of me. I blink at Mom, her eyes still glistening.
‘I’ve read that people with fertility problems get pregnant within six months of having a D&C!’ she declares, trying to keep the weep out of her words.
‘That’s great,’ I murmur. Blonde-brown curls…
‘Whatever you need Honey. I don’t care how much it costs, IVF, doesn’t matter. I’m going to get you pregnant!’
‘Words every girl wants their mother to say to them.’
Mom nods, fat, ripe tears finally breaking the surface. ‘It’s okay,’ I say, not because I believe it, but because this weekend is Mother’s Day. And even if I never have a baby, I’m hers.
‘Oh my God this is the best plan ever!’
‘I know! Hon’s gonna freak!’
‘I know right! This is like a dream come true — we are such geniuses!’
‘No you are!’
‘No you are!’
‘This was your idea!’
‘Which was executed by you!’
‘And you!’
‘Which is why we’re both so awesome!’ Whit and I skip down the cue pushing the trolley full of glass cups as my Dad continues to shake his head after us — honestly I don’t know why, we’re being perfectly normal. ‘Bugs just texted me, he’s got the balloons.’
‘Oh good that means we have everything.’
‘I don’t know…I still feel like something’s missing…’ We pause a moment in thought waiting for one of us to have the Eureka! moment as Whit turns to me with bright eyes.
‘I got it.’
‘What?’ I say eagerly as he continues to think it over in his head, nodding along with his plan I’m anxious to hear.
‘My Louis Slugger.’
‘You’re Louis who-now? Oh wait! Your ‘in-case-of-a-break-in-this-is-totally-self-defense-bat’?’
‘Exactly! ‘Cause say we buy all these glasses but she runs out of balloons? We give her a bat and-’
‘Ultimate Honey rage.’ Whit nods in excitement as I salute him. ‘This is why you’re Batman.’
‘Huh?’
‘Onward to check-out! Dad pull out your wallet!’ I dodge out of hitting range as Whit laughs and we continue forwards in the queue.
The lake, the lake, the clear blue lake. The lake, not the bleeding or the cramping, or the rage.
‘Where are you taking me,’ I accuse Whit as Dad drives us to his house. Whit taps his nose.
I am twenty-two years old. That sounds like a seriously insignificant number considering how I feel. A year and a half ago I was child-bride. Oblivious. Now, I’m battle-scarred. Literally, scarred, I have an incision on my belly button, my body’s own little gift to me.
The lake… the lake… not Whit’s smug face.
‘If you really want this to be a happy birthday you’ll give me someone to punch.’
Whit slides away from me a skooch and I roll my eyes.
I stand anxiously staring out the living room window, the Dynamic Daiquiri Duo finished at last with the ultimate Birthday Surprise.
‘Is everything set up?’ I ask as Bugsy and Mum follow him into the room, finally finished with the cooking and decorations.
‘Yep. Just waiting for Dad to get here with Whit and Honey.’
‘You guys are so crazy, this is so dangerous, plus it’s raining outside!’
‘Muum…’
‘Seriously Daiquiri, have you thought about Health and Safety precautions?’
‘Muuuuuuuum…’
‘Daiquiri! -’
‘Don’t worry Mum, I did, I’m kitting Honey out with my jeans and boots, Dad’s built a jumpsuit and goggles and the garden gloves, she’ll be perfectly safe.’
‘And what about the rain?’
‘You can’t fault God’s tastes mum, I prayed for Sun but even he agreed rage is best done in the rain.’ I flutter my eyes cutely at my mother as she rolls her eyes amused, crossing her arms and the car pulls up in the drive way. ‘Omigod! She’s here-they’re here! Get the camera! Bugsy — in position! Mum, no crying! This day is about rage! Ok go people go!’ We scramble out of the living room as Whit opens the door and we share a look. It’s time. Honey steps out of the car, looking as effortless beautiful as ever as she slams the car door shut walking over to us blankly.
‘Sup.’ She looks ahead at me. She looks up at Whit. She sighs rolling her eyes and placing her hand on her hip. ‘For the love, what did you do? You know I hate surprises?’ Yeah there’s no hiding things from Honey.
‘Like a bloodhound.’ Whit can’t help but say out-loud as I grab Honey by the arm, dragging her into the dining room where Dad waits with the camera and Bugs immediately starts un-dressing and re-dressing Honey in the correct attire.
‘What the hell is going on? Bugs, what are you doing?’
‘It’s for your own safety.’
‘Own safety? You do realise I just had surgery? Like…surgery? Mum what’s going on?’
‘Don’t ask me, this was your husband and your sister.’ Honey turns to me as Whit appears by my side hiding the Louis Slugger behind his back and slipping it behind the door.
‘What’s going on you two you know I hate surprises?’
‘We know, and we did think of that, but this is your birthday and we wanted it to be really really special, so we had to surprise you.’
‘By doing what? What-what is that?’
‘Goggles.’ Bugs says slipping them onto her head over her eyes. ‘For protection.’
‘Protection from what?’
‘Shards.’
‘Bugsy please!’ I say cutting in as Honey looks at me completely mystified. ‘So, Whit and I have been going back and forth for weeks about what to do for your birthday. We knew it couldn’t be anything big because you just had surgery and we knew we didn’t want it to be small because…well it’s been a sucky year and you deserve to have a day.’ Honey pauses as her and Whit share a solemn look and I take a prepared breath. ‘So with that being said, into the garden, Dad hit record.’ We usher her into the garden as we step through the glass doors revealing the massive obstacle course of glass cups all set up around the garden at different heights, some protected with plastic cups and some hiding behind random bricks. Honey’s eyes widen in shock as Mum shields her beneath the umbrella and Whit and I smile, the excitement building.
‘What the hell is all this?’
‘This is your birthday. Real life Angry Birds.’
‘What?’ Honey says through giggles as Dad zones around her with the camera.
‘Your mission is to throw the water balloons at the glass piggy cups! They’re all in different sizes so choose wisely and leave no cup left un-smashed!’ Honey’s eyes glisten with joy as Bugsy pulls over the bucket of water-balloons.
Honey picks up the first one, throwing it at the glasses as they smash into the ground. Whit and I watch in amusement as Honey throws bomb after bomb shattering the glasses while everyone ‘oo’s and ahh’s’ in between their laughter. Within minutes the water-balloons are gone and several more glasses than expected are left still standing. Honey turns to us with a breath of satisfaction.
‘That was fun! Still don’t see why I had to wear all this though.’
‘Well that’s for this.’ Whit says pulling out the baseball bat as Honey rips it from his hand in manic amusement.
‘Leave no survivors.’ Bugsy says as Honey runs over to the remaining glass cups, smashing them with the bat in a wide-eyed-frenzy. The backdoor opens as Whit’s parents step out confused looking ahead at Honey slightly afraid and in shock.
‘What’s going on here?’
‘Honey’s destroying.’ Whit says with an endearing smile as I smile up at him happily and we watch Honey destroy lovingly.
Whit Adam’s. The only person alive on God’s Green Earth that can rival the love I have for my sister. The only person - other than me! - allowed to make her laugh and cry.
