3 unusual ways to apply Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages
Discover your parents’ respective love language, and help their marriage.
I taught my parents about love languages, and learned that my mom and dad both have their primary love language as words of affirmation. This means that the most effective way to fill up their “love tank” is to provide validation, support, and positive feedback. I discovered this when my dad called me, clearly very frustrated at something my mom had done. This was during a time when they fought more, and I wasn’t sure how involved I was supposed to get, as a daughter. I asked him, “Is it possible that mama says things like that because maybe her love tank is not as full as before?” I then challenged him to think of what her love language was, based on, oh…their 30 years of marriage.
“She always wants me to compliment her, and expects me to say nice things about her friends…”
And so then, I walked my dad through how he could give her more compliments, regardless of what she said to him, and observe how this might change her behavior toward him. I sent him a text each day, for a week, to remind him to give her a compliment.
I got a call a week later from my mom that “your dad’s been so nice to me lately! Things have been great!” And the rest actually is history.
Experiment with another love language so you can grow
You should do this because it’s fun and it stretches you. When you start using an unfamiliar love language, it behaves like any foreign language: you worry that your accent is off and decide to contain your thoughts, because you worry people might think badly of your poor grasp of the language.
What actually happens is predictable. Just like how you don’t sneer at the Ethiopian woman who asks you for directions in accented English, other people react…nicely. Next, you feel ok using the language again.
When I chose to experiment with “acts of service”, I started by making my boyfriend’s bed in the morning. When he got back from the gym, he texted me “Thank you so much for making the bed!” and I felt…surprised that such a small action could generate this positive feeling for a person. Beginning this virtuous cycle of action > positive reaction led to me, well…I make his bed every time now! Haha.
So what? Change is interesting and informs personal growth. Next!
Tell people your primary love language upfront
Simply, the people in your life should know your love language. Your sister, your best friend, your roommate, your partner, ETC. Hurt, resentment, and distraction (I despise distraction!) is generated by a depleted love tank, and a depleted love tank comes from not receiving expressions of your love language.
When you enlighten those closest to you about the trick to making you feel loved, you increase the chances that you will actually feel loved in your day to day life. This suddenly feels like a self help post!
Give claps if you liked this post!
___________________
When I’m not thinking about love languages, I spend my time building Honeydew, a personal assistant for wedding planning.
