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Cock-a-doodle-doo! Time To Check In On Those IG Accounts You Hate

Rise and shine, sleepyhead! It’s time for your favorite morning ritual: popping on Instagram to see what all the people you resent are up to.

Refreshing!

It’s like, coffee’s nice but nothin’ beats a crack of dawn scroll through the feed of that one blogger you’ve been following since 2013 and trying to figure out how she affords such a nice condo. That’ll shake the drowsies right off!

A key part of this day-starter is watching several stories of that one couple who seem like they’re suuuuuper in love but you’re like, Why do you have to post so much about how in love you are? Can’t some things stay private? You will spend the next 13 minutes mentally criticizing their oversharing tendencies while you consume their 42-story-long couple Q&A.

Carpe diem, amirite?!

Before you get out of bed make sure to peek in on what that one wellness guru is putting in her smoothie. You’re gonna reaaaaallly hate how many bougie ingredients she throws in, but as usual, you will absolutely not hit the unfollow button even though this person’s content continuously makes you feel inferior.

But don’t dissect those deep thoughts, honey, you’ve got a bit more sullen scrollin’ to do before the bacey is awake-y!

For your last bit of early morning comparison-entrapment, look at a few people in your industry whose online presence implies that they are way more successful than you. Pause primarily on that one entrepreneur who approaches their work in ways you fundamentally disagree with. BINGO! We have officially hit the sweet spot of pure rage and also somehow second guessing every career choice you’ve ever made.

Would you look at that: it’s a gorgeous morning and the sky is a beautiful shade of blue! Too bad it can’t compete with the blue light of your phone and the cavernous hole of inadequacy and anxiety you’ve opened within yourself.

Okay little earlybirdie, time to get that worm. Don’t worry, you’ll check back on all the instagram accounts you loathe in just a few hours.

As they say, it’s Hate-Follow O’clock somewhere!

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lol it’s satire, honey! by Lyndsay Rush & Liz Fitzgerald

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Lyndsay Rush

Lyndsay Rush

Comedy writer, Creative Agency CoFounder, Copywriter, national treasure.

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