I’m A Flask And I’m Begging To Be Left Off Of Father’s Day Gift Guides
Me again. As we all know, Father’s Day is right around the corner, which means you’re all hard at work getting those “Gift Guides for Him” out to the masses.
And, listen, I get it, your options are limited because 1) No one seems to know anything about their dads, and 2) Men only fall into four categories: Golf, Grilling, Other Sports, and Whiskey.
But after decades being the go-to in that fourth category, I’m begging you to let me have the year off.
JUST ONE YEAR, PLEASE, I’M EXHAUSTED.
The last time I had a day off was June 9, 2015: when Jimmy Fallon released, “Dada.” And despite herculean efforts by Sphere Ice Molds and Customized Cocktail Glasses, the weight of guy-gift-giving still falls on me.
I’m not trying to be ungrateful. I know that we all thought that putting Whiskey Stones into the gift guide circuit a few years ago would be the key to my retirement. I remember all too well the powerpoint presentation I put together that made you all realize there could be a new dawn in the “boozy gifts for guys!” era. Sweet freedom was as close to my lips as the Maker’s Mark that dads everywhere are apparently guzzling nonstop.
But, alas, you can’t use Whiskey Stones to sneak a drink into a Steely Dan concert. You can’t fit your wedding hashtag on Whiskey Stones to give to your groomsmen.
The deal was done before it even began. So here I am: another year, another letter..
I’m obviously aware of my allure, but can we all remember that even Bo Burnham took five years off!!? If you gave me the year off I would finally be able to travel…remodel my bathroom…start writing my novel….live.
I’ll end this letter the way I do every June: please consider the powerhouses in other categories that could absolutely cover for me this year. Namely: subscription boxes, punny aprons, slippers, cuff links, and those homemade coupon books (I for one would f*cken LOVE to redeem a hug right about now!).
It’s not that dads deserve better, they literally barely do a thing, it’s that *I* deserve better. (Did you get my pitch from last week to start promoting Monogrammed Dopp Kits? It worked in ’09, it could work again!!!!)
I am available to discuss this at length, if you’d like to hop on a zoom call. Until then, I’ll be booked and busy, like the reluctant boyboss that I am.
Thanks for your time,
P.S. I noticed a police-grade Keychain Breathalyzer hit the circuit this year and if that was an attempt to help spread the workload within my category, um…thank you?