Depression is Hard
Going Through the “Eye” of the Storm.
Depression is hard.
It doesn’t care who you are or where you are. It hits like a ton of bricks, leaving one to question why.
As I sat on the bathtub floor, these thoughts invaded my very being, feeling the warm water rush over my body.
I feel numb with no idea why.
It’s in shadows deep, where light does fade.
I feel a cloud of sorrow as it hangs over my head.
The weight of depression on my soul, I fear it’s spread.
Ironically, I can’t get the song “This Is the Best Part” out of my mind.
The melody speaks to my weary soul, though the words not so much.
I can feel myself “checking out” for weeks at a time.
During these times, I want to write desperately, but I feel unable to do so.
My words would be choppy at best as emotions are drowned in an endless sea wave.
My bones ache with a weary plea. The world seems hollow and devoid of delight.
People don’t talk about how lonely it can be. To know you are in a state of depression but feeling unequipped to handle it.
In this lonely battle, I long for respite.
When I was young, I remember my dad telling me about my mom and her postpartum depression after giving birth to me.
Though I was young, I will never forget the words he had spoken to me,
“It’s hard living with someone who is going through depression.”
Something that often adds to my depression when the waves hit me most. A burden is what I feel.
I feel a burden to my husband and children. To all those around me, I am a burden.
When depression hits, you cannot function like you usually would, and I can only pretend I have a migraine for so long before people start to catch on.
One day, you wake up and know you’re not in a good place, emotionally or mentally.
The kind of depression I’m talking about is debilitating depression, when you don’t want to get up and face the world, where the smallest of tasks bring pain.
I am in pain.
My time here on Medium has taught me one thing: you should always end your articles on a “happy” note or with a lesson in mind.
Today, I fear I have neither in store for you.
All I can offer is this;
I got up yesterday and read a few articles, made a few comments, and even submitted a previously written article.
To me, this is a start.
I wouldn’t say I’m “better,” rather far from it, but I am reminded to keep going.
I want to keep showing up, even when my words are choppy, and I fear I have no light to shed.
I am reminded that I have a community behind me that is rooting for me to succeed, and I know there is a calm after the storm.
Currently, I am in the eye of the tornado, and I am working my way through. I cannot promise that I will be here day in and day out, but what I can promise is to give my all.
To continue to show up, to recognize my depression for what it is, to allow my mind and body the rest it needs, and to continue.
“I have hope.”
Thank you to all who read this to the end. Your support means the world to me. I love you all. Thank you! XOXO, Tammie.
I have no words to those closest to my heart; you are a light in my life: ALEX KIRKLAND Mike Sansone Liberty Forrest, Author Sara Fellers Nicola Farnhill Ccgordon.
I was also grateful to stumble upon this read yesterday; I hope you enjoy it too! By: Alana Beth
