emotion#14: Numbness

Photo montage by the author.

I get the feeling that if someone would stretch my body until the point of ripping it, I would feel nothing. It would all be the same. And yet, I can’t stand being in it.

What does it matter if I eat a whole pack of chocolate cookies in one go? I’m going for it anyway. It’s not like I will be fatter tomorrow if I do it.

I do know I always feel terrible

(disappointed, discouraged, regretful)

after I binge eat, but I don’t want to think about that now. Right now, all I want is that quick pleasure, that sweet injection that simultaneously boosts and anesthetizes.

But just before I grab a cookie, I stop: “What if I just don’t?”

I turn around. I grab a cup of tea, I watch a film, I take a nap.

I still have the power to choose how I send myself to sleep, and I am proud.