It’s uncomfortable, but we need to talk about it

Scott Harling
Jul 21, 2017 · 8 min read

This post will contain topics that are sensitive to some people.

Death and Suicide.

No funny gif’s today, no eye catching picture, not even a sarcastic quip as a headline.

Today is serious and as deep as I will ever go.

At the end of this post I will have links and numbers for hotlines and live chats. Use them if you need to and share them please.

I have been trying to put this into words for years, I think I have been avoiding this subject more than I had my father, but there was some peace to writing about that, so here we go again.

Part of what sparked this entry was yet another celebrity suicide.

Chester Bennington from the rock band Linkin Park hung himself the other day. You may have heard of the band, maybe not. They were very popular and very very successful. I was a fan when I was a teenager, I was doing my best to listen to music that my parents hated and moreso music that I wasn’t “ allowed” to listen to by the church. I really enjoyed their music and even though they had a reputation as an emo band, I think they still had a great talent for music. Their latest album was more mellow and relaxed, I rather enjoyed it.

Celebrity deaths impact us because we enjoy their work and we want them to share it with us forever. In simple terms we are greedy.

When they kill themselves it hurts. They take away that talent from us on their terms.

One of the biggest ones recently was Robin Williams. I am not going to lie, that one hurt. Robin seemed like the ultimate happy guy, nothing could phase him. He made everyone happy and never seemed sad. We had no idea how much he was hurting.

Robin was my comedy hero. He and Alan Alda made my humor what it is. Needles to say, I am very dry, sarcastic, and mocking.

Forget the MASH theme song, Suicide hurts.

It only hurts the person for a moment ( depending on your faith and what you feel the punishment for suicide is, I won’t get into that right now), but it hurts those left behind forever.

Chester left behind five children, a wife, and countless friends. Robin left behind three children , a wife, and again countless friends.

I use these two as examples because they are the most current and well known.

We all know someone who has either taken their life or has been affected by someone else's suicide.

It hurts like hell.

Now I will tell you my stories, it’s complicated and long.

If you read my post about my father, you know I had a rough childhood.

When I was about ten or eleven, the idea of suicide first came into my mind.
Things at home were as bad as they had ever been up to that point and I really didn’t want to keep living like that.
I caught the idea from school, one day we had a meeting to announce that an older student had killed herself and counseling was available.

I was new to the school and didn’t know her, but all of a sudden I was awoken to the idea of suicide. Before this, I didn’t even know that was an option. It blew my little mind.

My father had a old military knife, something he used to brag about his time in the army to anyone who would listen. Turned out that the only time he ever served in any unit was in the boy scouts, but that is besides the point. He kept it in the toolbox in the barn. I knew exactly where it was and how to get to it.

I was going to do it. Nothing was going to stop me, I was not going to live this life day after day.

Little old me didn’t think of leaving a note or anything like that, I was just going to do it like I was going to go mow the grass, it was just a thing to do.

Obviously I didn’t get the job done.

The one thing that stopped me was that I couldn’t find the knife, heck I couldn’t find ANY knife. I couldn’t find anything sharp. This was the only way I knew how to do it back then.

Turned out, the night before someone had broken into the shed and taken the knives and some tools. Oddly enough, the army knife was being sharpened, it wasn’t even there.

That knife sits in my dresser drawer right now. I take it out every once in awhile, just as a reminder.

A few years later, I had become friends with a boy living a few houses down from us. He was the only kid who was near my age, didn’t go to the same school, and was totally the opposite of me. We oddly grew close.

We did almost everything together for around 6 or so years, my longest friendship up till then. I even went to Cedar Point a few times with his family.

When we both hit teenage years, he started playing around with drugs. I can’t really blame him, his stepfather was a dealer. I watched my friend fade away into someone I didn’t recognize. We still hung out, I tried my share of his stash, I never got into the scene though. I'm not sure why, I have the genetics for it, but I just didn’t enjoy the rides.

We camped out for his 15th birthday. It was may, still a bit cold in northern Indiana. Around 2am he got up to stoke the fire that I was sitting around, I didn’t sleep much back then, especially around a fire. He started talking nonsense, I just assumed he was on a trip, then he came really close to me and started crying while talking about all the good times we had.

It wasn’t a full 2 minutes after came next to me that he pulled a gun he had been holding and shot himself. I still see this every night when I go to sleep. I think of the thousands of things I should have done different, said different, or just been a better friend for all those years. Its been over fifteen years now, but I see it clear as day every night, and I still miss my friend.

Shortly after moving to central Indiana, to a small town called Rochester, I was determined to end it all again.

We had moved yet again, I had no friends, a job I really didn’t want, nothing but my typical torment at home.

I was older and wiser, plus the internet existed now, granted it was still dial up, but it gave me information that I didn’t have last time I tried this.

I was in a low place, I can’t really describe it now, but I was lost in my own head. I didn’t see an upside to anything.

I made a plan this time, nothing was going to get in my way. Everything was in my safe that only I had the key to.

We were going on a family vacation to new jersey. Wildwood to be exact.

When I say family, I mean my fathers side of the family. I didn’t really know these people, my father hated them and they didn’t like us. Suddenly everyone loved everyone and we are going on vacation.

We get on a plane and fly out to Philly, planned to drive to the beach.

Well, that plan went out the window.

I got to the car rental place and had my first ever seizure. I don’t remember anything between the rental place and the next day in the hospital in Philly.

Up until just this previous month, no one ever could find a cause for these seizures, I’ve had too many to count.

I saw the boardwalk of Wildwood and the ocean, but I was in a wheelchair.

We flew home a week later to hum drum city.

I don’t know if something went crosswire in my brain during the seizure, but I didn’t really find the motivation for suicide anymore.

Here is the thing about suicide, it’s not easy.

It is not the glamorous thing that movies and books make it out to be. It’s not as simple as pulling a trigger or swallowing pills.

It takes a whole lot of thinking and getting over your fear of death and the afterlife. It is scary and hard.

That is the thing, sometimes life is harder than death, and death is the hardest thing you can ever do to yourself. Think about that. It’s not being a coward, its not being brave either, but it takes a whole lot of courage to end something that you are scared to death of, your own life. I am not trying to make light of it, but those are the facts.

That was the last time I ever tried to end my life.

I am not saying I've never thought of it, Lord knows I have thought of it over the years.

Life can get the better of you sometimes. I struggle more times than I want to admit.

I just haven’t made an attempt since then. I have too much responsibility now.

I could never leave my mother alone.

My final story was maybe my scariest.

I did something that landed me in jail. I am not proud of it, and I have moved long past it.

However, I spent a few nights in the county jail, overcrowding was putting it lightly.

During the nightly lockdown, I had a cellmate that didn’t speak english. I don’t know what he spoke, it wasn’t spanish or any language that I could recognise.

My very first night inside, I couldn’t sleep.

I just faced the wall and laid there. I heard the guy above me moving around, but I was not going to see what he was doing. I heard the guys in the next cell, doing what I hoped to God Almighty wasn’t on my cellmates mind.

In the middle of the night, feet hit my head.

You read that correctly, feet hit my head.

The guy above me had hung himself.

I yelled for a guard, but no one came.

No one would come until breakfast, several hours later.
We didn’t have a clock, but I was told it was over 6 hours from the time he jumped to when they unlocked our block.

I was in a room with a dead man for six hours.

Suicide is not painless folks. No matter the situation.

It’s a great song, but a terrible life lesson.


This was my story, I hope that sharing it starts some sort of conversation.

Below are listed the hotlines and websites for suicide prevention.

If you feel lost or depressed, use these or talk to someone close to you.

If I have learned anything in my life it’s this.

Life is hard, living takes courage and hard work.

Taking your life is never the answer, it hurts the people who love you much more than any pain that you are currently having.

If you think no one loves you, you are always wrong.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline With Live Chat

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

List Of International Suicide Hotlines

USA: 18002738255

Argentina: +5402234930430

Australia: 131114

Austria: 017133374

Belgium: 106

Botswana: 3911270

Brazil: 212339191

Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)

China: 85223820000

Croatia: 014833888

Denmark: +4570201201

Egypt: 7621602

Finland: 040–5032199

France: 0145394000

Germany: 08001810771

Holland: 09000767

India: 8888817666

Ireland: +4408457909090

Italy: 800860022

Japan: +810352869090

Mexico: 5255102550

New Zealand: 045861048

Norway: +4781533300

Philippines: 028969191

Poland: 5270000

Russia: 0078202577577

Spain: 914590050

South Africa: 0514445691

Sweden: 46317112400

Switzerland: 143

United Kingdom: 08457909090

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Scott Harling

Written by

Life liver. Learning by my mistakes. Fueled by coffee, good books, and music. Scottharling@yahoo.com

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