Of sex and toilet paper

Just when you thought the world can’t get much wierder…

Maybe I could tell you this story started in some exclusively edgy club frequented by the unashamedly decadent, the demi-monde and that sort of gone-over celebrity desperate to do anything to score one last hit of fame.

Or did it start off in some dingy, vape-filled café, inhabited by the sort of determinedly disreputable clientele who can sell you desires you didn’t even know you had?

Perhaps it did, but I’d be lying.

Instead I went out for a sandwich at lunchtime, and some fresh (moderately toxic) air. A slower-moving than usual traffic jam was crawling down Victoria Street, going nowhere fast. Amongst the buses and taxis and cars was a single articulated lorry.

A lorry that was in many ways perfectly ordinary, except it had this emblazoned on its side:

Renova, The Sexiest Paper in the World.

There are words we automatically group together when we hear them. Like horse and carriage, or bride and groom.

Paper and sex? Er, no.

Maybe this was a delivery of a limited edition erotic newspaper for the global super-rich. Or a consignment of an environmentally friendly paper-based alternative for condom manufacturing. Could it be a rather sexed-up way of promoting that soft, creamy writing paper that is such a pleasure to write on?

Well, I had to look it up.

And found this.

That’s right. Sexy toilet paper. I mean, seriously?

Sexy. Toilet. Paper.

Well, I had to admit it, the people behind Renova had got my attention. I’m usually immune to, because I usually find better things to do than be sold things I don’t really need, but I had to find out what the sexiest paper thing was all about.

A quick look at the other brands on the website suggested that this was the creation of a Polish everyday detergent company that had cannily spotted a gap in the market for upmarket neon-coloured toilet rolls.

And look what’s happened. Not only did I look up Renova on the internet, but I’ve also gone and written an article about their product. I’ve done their advertising for them, for free. I feel like one of those ants whose brains has been taken over by a fungus.

So if anyone reading this has need of sexy toilet paper, you now know where to go.

All I need to do now is to contact Renova and claim my commission.

The Storyteller on the District Line — №14

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