Taking the Time to Respond to Every Email

365 Writing Prompt

Writing Prompt: How do you react toward people you feel uncomfortable with?

These are a few of my typical responses to unsolicited emails:

Hi Lori!

Thanks so much for reaching out to me. I’m so sorry to hear about your suffering from terminal cancer. I’m flattered you would choose me as the person to send your millions in fortune to and have good faith that I will fulfill God’s intended purpose with it, but unfortunately I can’t find my account number. I know I left my checkbook on my desk but I just can’t find the damn thing right now and I don’t have my account number memorized. I’ll have to get back to you with that but most likely not because I’m blocking you as spam.

Best wishes upon your bullshit death,

Erika

Dear single Russian women,

I am both enchanted and charmed that you’re available to me at all times by me simply clicking on the link. I would think if you’re available to everyone at all times who click on the link that you must be very busy and I do hope you’re compensated well for your hard work and dedication. Unfortunately at this time, I’m married and that shit just ain’t cool. I’ll have to pass, but thanks for thinking of me. I do hope you enjoy your date with whoever was foolish enough to click you link.

Best wishes,

Erika

Dear Shandu,

You found my long lost relative! AND want to deposit their fortune of $11.3 million directly into my checking account!? No shit! I can’t believe it’s been sitting in your financial institution for six years and you’ve waited until now to reach out to me. I have four other long lost relatives who left their $11.3 million fortune to me that I just found out about this month. I’m fucking rich. So rich you can just keep that money for yourself! I do hope you buy yourself a yacht with it. You deserve it! I know it must not have been easy to track me down.

Happy sailing,

Erika

Hey Charles!

How very sweet of you to offer to paint the exterior of my solid brick home for free. What’s that? Oh, you just need my credit card information to cover the cost of materials? Well, that makes sense, only the labor is free. I thought it was a bit over the top that you would pay out of pocket to paint the exterior of my brick house. Unfortunately at this time, and of course since 100 years ago when it was built, brick doesn’t get painted. But hey, you’re a superstar for at least offering. I appreciate your stroke of kindness! Get it? Paint stroke? Wink.

Best wishes,

Erika

Hey you! Consider becoming a patron and get behind the scenes access to my creative endeavors. If not, I understand. I’m probably as annoying as Lori, single Russian women, Shandu and Charles, but at least you know with me you’ll actually get something in return other than a computer virus or ripped off!

patreon.com/erika_sauter