The Privilege of Love

Karen karen
May 18, 2019 · 2 min read

Letting go and saying goodbye.

The sound of your tiny heartbeat wakes me up in the middle of the night.

I imagine how your small gentle hands would have softly fit into mine, and I find comfort through my tears, hoping that your soul hears my lullaby.

How could I have let you go?

Your father’s decision backed by spurts of violence and ongoing criticism left me no choice.

I know that through my silent tears, I am responsible.

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Photo by Aliyah Jamous on Unsplash

My love for you grew long before you chose me as a way into this world, and the glow in my eyes proved how much I cherished you.

At the same time, I had to concentrate every ounce of energy to protect and save your life.

It’s true, external pressures can destroy future humans, and today, my incessant guilt feeds off this one sincere regret.

I am so deeply sorry.

These words seem vain, almost frivolous compared to the gravity of my feelings.

But I’m unable to express my devastation.

My sadness envelops me like a dense fog, and no matter how much I try, it never dissipates.

Nature gives us the gift of life and the small insignificant person that I am failed to honor you the way you deserved.

By not offering you the most important privilege, the one of being loved, I simultaneously took it away from myself.

It was not my choice, but I know I am responsible.

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Photo by Kumiko SHIMIZU on Unsplash

And yet saying goodbye even after so many years floods me with tears until I can longer breathe as if thorns strap around my heart.

No one understands because no one knows. Except for the one that manipulated me. He made sure I made you go away and the same night, relieved and barely shaken, went off to have some fun.

I am forced to accept this empty place in my heart, knowing that your beautiful smile would have infused me with joy.

I will love you until the end of time, even if you were never born.

Hopes & Dreams

Dream and Exceed!

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