The Platinum Rule

Everyone is familiar with The Golden Rule which in simple terms states:

“Treat others the way you want to be treated”

While this is sound advice for teaching basic morals and ethics, it’s not necessarily the best way of approaching interpersonal relations. Treating others the way you want to be treated ignores the individual differences in personal preferences. In 1996, Dr. Tony Alessandra introduced The Platinum Rule as an alternative. The Platinum Rule states:

“Treat others the way they want to be treated.”

This statement avoids a “one-size-fits-all solution” and acknowledges that people have different ways of interacting with the world. The Platinum Rule urges you to question your assumptions, consider other perspectives, and adjust your behavior accordingly. While this may seem obvious to some, it requires a level of understanding of one’s own patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving (i.e., self-awareness) and how others differ (others-awareness) that many young people haven’t had the opportunity to develop.

The ability to describe oneself and understand individual differences is easier with a common language. Fortunately, researchers in the field of personality psychology have defined hundreds of traits and tests to measure them. In my opinion, the greatest benefit of personality tests is that they provide a way to speak about individual differences in a positive light. Whether the test sorts people into colors, animals, or Hogwarts houses, each grouping includes unique strengths and weaknesses, and none are inherently better than others.

While personality tests are a great tool helping new teams get to know each other and respect individual differences, they typically only rely on one person’s perception. This one perception might not be in line with others’ perceptions or reality. I first learned of The Platinum Rule during an exercise in developing guiding principles at an executive leadership workshop I was co-facilitating. The CEO of the company brought it up with one notable change — he replaced the word “want” with “need.”

This is an important distinction because it points out that how a person wants to be treated is not always how they need to be treated. I’m sure we can all think back to situations where what we wanted at the time was not what was best for us. The most obvious examples come from when we were young and lacked the wisdom that comes from experience, but many adults have blind spots, too.

Leaders are faced with the challenge of navigating these complex situations where people either are unaware of what they want, or what they want is at odds with what is best for them. Learning what works best for another person doesn’t come easy. As Coach John Wooden put it, “You’ve got to study and analyze each individual and find out what makes them tick...” It starts with a genuine interest in others and is further predicated on empathy. It involves being intentional in learning about people, their experiences, their motivations, and their long-term goals; then treating them in a manner which accommodates individual needs.