We are Fish, Ignoring the Water
The other day I sat on the sofa at my friend’s house and listened as he advised his girlfriend how to handle her boss who was taking her for granted and causing her a lot of grief. His advice ranged from flippant, to antagonistic, to funny.
His girlfriend sat on the other sofa. I listened as she vacillated between apathy and catastrophizing. Feeling trapped at the same time she was worried about being suddenly fired. Every solution he posed increased her fear.
As I listened to them, I noted he had grown up in a secure and wealthy home. His parents adored him, gave him tremendous freedom as a kid, and funded an impressive education. She, on the other hand, had been raised by an abusive family with who she had to cut off contact early in her teenage years. She struggled to work her way up from homelessness and trauma to stability despite a lack of college education or family help.
Her boyfriend’s advice wasn’t wrong, but what fueled his advice was the unconscious belief that the world is a safe place. A place where you can take risks and be confident that you can bounce back if you fall because those who love you will catch you. Her reaction on the other hand was fueled by an unconscious belief that there is no safety net, that she is on her own, because love doesn’t stick around. They both were swimming in their own beliefs, unable to see what surrounded the other.
David Foster Wallace once told a story about a fish that asks another fish, “How’s the water?” and the other fish answers, “What the hell is water?” It’s a funny story because we know that it would be unusual for any humans to think of the air they breathe as they go about their day. It’s also a story that provides a valuable metaphor for how little we think about the environment that keeps us going and makes us who we are.
We roll our eyes at the insecurities of our single friends despite being married for the tenth year. We criticize the fears of others, despite the advantages we were given that minimized those fears in ourselves. We encourage people to speak up for themselves, even when those people may face prejudice that we could never experience. In short, we are fish swimming in circles, crediting ourselves with our own weightlessness.
A person’s behavior never happens in isolation. Behavior is a function of the person and the environment. The environment is all that stuff you can’t see — their upbringing, living situation, friendships, education, job, family, health habits, experiences, and even the situation you find them in at that moment. Few of us are completely irrational. We are reacting logically to the environment we find ourselves in, what beliefs and actions have been confirmed in the past.
If you need to truly understand why a person is reacting in a way that you don’t get or agree with, then you need to ask questions about what you can’t see and admit to what you can’t understand. You are the person on the other side of the glass at the aquarium, staring at a fish, and wanting to understand. Don’t ignore the water.
