Dear People Who Like Neapolitan Ice Cream

You like horrible things.

Neapolitan is for people who don’t know what the hell they are doing with their lives. It’s the psychology major of desserts. Something told you it would give you the most options, but then one day you realized that “something” was just the person who sold you your acid.

And he was just kidding.

Maybe you just have the very worst brand of commitment problems. Maybe you’re just “playing the field,” and even though you’re really into chocolate, you’re afraid of getting hurt again, so it’s another morning of you waking up upside-down on a bed in some hostel next to a puddle of strawberry you don’t even remember. Get your shit together, sugar tramp.

And don’t invite me to anything where you’ll be serving this frozen monument to how little effort you’re willing to put into our relationship. Do I seem like a guy who would be totally cool with showing up at your little party and clapping and singing about your goddamned birthday while there is a big tub of “I HATE MY FRIENDS” ice cream next to the cake?

If I do, I’ll be bringing that iPad you’ve had your eye on. BUT IT WILL BE SUPERGLUED BETWEEN A BALL OF RUSTY RAZORS AND A SKUNK.

If you don’t respect me enough to at least give me options that AREN’T TOUCHING EACH OTHER, then walk away and don’t look back unless you want to see my back because I started walking away first.

Or hey, why don’t you come over for pizza and boiled rat? Oh I put the boiled rats ON THE PIZZA because it’s just easier for me to do it that way. Just take them off if you don’t like them.

HERE IS A NEW CAR BUT IT’S FULL OF DEAD HOOKERS AND LIVING BEES. I HOPE YOU LIKE DEAD HOOKERS AND LIVING BEES.

I think “New Car Full of Dead Hookers and Living Bees” should be the Ben and Jerry’s name for this Neapolitan ice crap.

BUT HEY A LOT OF FOODS HAVE OTHER TOUCHING FOODS LIKE NACHOS RIGHT?

How much absinthe did you snort this morning? To preserve this nacho analogy, you would have to be the kind of mutant who would open a tub of Neapolitan and drag your spoon ACROSS THE FLAVOR SPECTRUM OH MY GOD before taking a bite. I don’t even think Neapolitan Bonaparte HIMSELF would have in his darkest maniacal fever dreams imagined that his invention would be abused like this.

If you want to pretend to be so open-minded that you like all three flavors, and hope every team wins the Super Bowl every time, and Jesus and Satan and science ALL COME OUT AHEAD on Judgement Day, you go right ahead and lie to yourself and all of creation.

But DO NOT corrupt the world in which I have to raise my children by releasing into it the idea that it’s not only legal but SOMEHOW OKAY TO TAKE A BIG GODDAMNED BITE OF CHONILLABERRY ICE CREAM.

I just threw up a little in your mouth as I typed that. BUT I DOUBT YOU NOTICED.


Thanks for reading. If you like this, maybe you’ll like this thing I made.

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