Never buy from Bob’s Vape Shop

At the beginning of the year I made the decision to quit smoking. Honestly, I feel quite lucky that I waited until now to attempt quitting and didn’t take it on years ago when the patch was the only option. There are so many tools at your disposal nowadays that if you want to wean yourself off of nicotine, there’s an option for everyone; even people who smoke as a hobby.

As a long term smoker, I’m one of those guys who loves making fun of vaping. I mean it’s a battery, some wires, and a button that turn fruity flavoring into a mist. It’s like a taser that makes you look like a pussy. What’s not to make fun of? I’m totally hooked now though. Can’t deny that.

I chose to start vaping because, while smoking was a gateway into a really unhealthy lifestyle for me, I loved the hell out of cigarettes. Vaping is the perfect replacement for them because you can puff away, get chilled out, and not feel guilty about it. Many of the flavor liquids have nicotine in them too, so you can wean yourself off using different strength blends. Hell, you can even just buy diluted nicotine and blend it with your juice if you want to.

Quitting has been rough, but I’sm lucky to have a pretty stellar vape shop nearby, called Bob’s Vape Shop. Or well, I was lucky. Their staff used to know what they were doing and their liquids were pretty cheap too because a lot of it was home-spun. Now they’ve changed pretty much all of their staff, including the guy who makes the juice, and the shop has started going to shit. Hell, you can’t even use the front door anymore because the lazy bastards who run the place let a nest of swallows take over the front face of the shop.

I’ve been having some serious problems since they changed their vape liquid. First thing’s first, receding gums. Smoking is terrible for your oral hygiene, so my first stop after throwing out my last pack was the dentist. My gums were in pretty bad shape because I used to chew too, and I was fully expecting switching from tobacco to be better for my mouth. However, I had a check-up a week or two ago and the dentist says my gingivitis is worse than ever before though. What’s more, I’ve been getting canker sores toward the front of my mouth like crazy.

Do I blame Bob’s Vape? Hell yeah, I do. I never had trouble with the last owner’s stuff. The new guy at the vape shop says it might be a hydration problem, like I’m not drinking enough water, but I can clearly see that the more I vape their stuff the worse my gums get. It’s been getting to the point that I can fit a toothpick through the gap in my bottom teeth.

Shitty right? No smoke breath anymore but the ladies still get scared off by my zombie teeth.

Well, two days ago a trip to the vape shop took me past that fuckin swallow’s nest to get on them about their liquid. The guy said some people have trouble with nicotine-based liquids like I’ve been using. I said I needed the nic because it chilled me out. Luckily he had “just the thing for me.” It’s one of their homebrew juices and it’s called ‘Death by Coffee.’ He said it’s probably the manliest flavor they have there. That’s saying something coming from a twiggy weirdo in a beanie. Well, I’ve been having a shitty week so I said I’d take a bottle. Didnt’ want to argue whether the nicotine was really the problem or not.

About half an hour of smoking the new stuff in my recliner, that vape juice got to me, and I mean in a really bad way. The TV got super weird. I know I nodded off during Netflix, but when I woke up again there was this weird ass TV show on. Like, late night TV but straight from the 70’s. At least that’s what it felt like. The show was all bright colors, with this bubbly lettering and all these birds like they were being filmed in their nests through a psychedelic sniper scope. Chirping too, there was this weird ass hollow sounding chirping.

I took another puff, cause my mod was still in my hand. I wanted to let my mind go numb and fall back asleep, but that goddamned chirping TV show was getting to me. I shut off the TV and took another puff. My right arm felt heavy like someone was putting all of their weight on it, and then this song started running through my head.

*“Got your eye on a bird? Well just say the word. Tell her that you love her With a chirp and a cheep.” *

It must have been playing in the background of that weird ass show. The song played over and over in my mind, like when you get some stupid kid’s song stuck in your head, and it just wouldn’t get out. I turned the TV back on, but switched it to the news and turned it down real low. Figured it’d serve as white noise to get the song out of my head. I took another pull off my vaporizer and ran my tongue over my teeth. Some of my dinner was still hitching a ride in my mouth.

“Got your eye on a bird?” I thought, reaching for a toothpick. They were on the coffee table, backlit by the news anchor’s babbling.

“Well just say the word,” I mumbled. “Tell her that you lover her with a chirp and-”

A fucking bird. Or, well, something flappy, got between me and my toothpicks. I went to grab them again and more flapping buzzed over the holder again. My head felt heavy, I rubbed my hands over my eyes and slumped back in the recliner. My heart was pounding and I felt hot, stupid hot. How did a bird get into my apartment? And this late?

Just close your eyes and get back to sleep, I thought. This has got to just be a weird-ass waking dream.

I picked at the gunk in my teeth, and nearly wet myself when the bird zoomed in at my face. Then I shit you not it got on my hand and started pecking my teeth.

It hurt like hell. I tried to push it away. I tried to bat it out of the air, but it just kept flying around and hammering away at my front teeth. I clamped my hands over my face and tried to rise from the recliner to grab a bat or something to hit that damned bird with.

I never got up though. I could feel my teeth and receding gums as I clenched my jaw shut. That wasn’t right. Why could I feel my teeth? It was like… like I had no lips. I just… didn’t. There were straight up no lips covering my mouth. I rubbed the surface of my teeth, their surface feeling wider and wider like they were made of clay and I was spreading them out with my hands. I couldn’t feel my gums anymore. They had receded back all the way to the bone, and my teeth were flattening and fusing as I rubbed them. After five minutes of horrified rubbing, they’d all clamped together, fused like a finch’s beak.

I had to get that crap out of my teeth, I thought. If my teeth were fusing together, there couldn’t be any gunk in the way. I scraped at the surface with a fingernail, but that fucking bird came back and started pecking. Again it fluttered around and lanced in at my teeth. No, lanced in at my beak.

I don’t know what the fuck that guy put in his vape juice, but when I woke up in the morning my shirt was off, the recliner was wet and pungent, and I had blood all over my hands. Whatever was going on I’d had a bad trip, from vaping of all things. That’s right, a bad trip from something I was trying to use to make my life better. Man, I doubt crack even does what that shit did to me.

When I went to clean myself up I found I was missing a goddamned tooth, and it’s all because of Bob’s Vape Shop’s “Death by Coffee.”

Worst part is I can’t get enough of the stuff. It fucked me up like that, but the bottle’s almost dry. Whatever that pencil-necked hipster freak put in ‘Death by Coffee,’ it’s turned me into a repeat customer. No, it’s forced me to be a repeat customer, and that’s exactly why you should never buy from Bob’s Vape Shop.

bwb