‘Woke’ folk champion inclusivity and deplore discrimination… then put ‘No Tories’ on their dating profiles
ONLINE dating is like a bakery. And what I mean by that is, it tends to be full of flakes, fruitcakes and tarts.
Perhaps the most popular, though rather bitter treat on offer in such an establishment is the Socialist Softie, oftentimes known as the Woke Wafer.
It’s essentially the same thing, but the Wafer tends to be more flamboyant in flavour and has the same effect on your face as biting into a lemon would.
I’m happy to say that I don’t have a need for any of these apps anymore, but I do know plenty of people who do… and that’s their verdict, not mine.
Don’t shoot the messenger!
What you can and probably will shoot me for, however, is my long-harboured disdain for all this ‘woke’ idiocy — more so now than ever — what with it spreading faster than Coronavirus through a council estate in Merseyside.
Seriously, though, I thought the sole premise of being ‘woke’ was rallying against inequality and staunchly backing inclusion and anti-discriminatory behaviour — no matter your cultural background or beliefs?
Who isn’t behind that? If that’s all it was, I’d be in.
It isn’t just that though, unfortunately. There’s a woke-o-meter, ranging from Tolerable to The Guardian, and I gladly fall a long way short of the green bit.
What’s astonishing about these people is their inability to accept any notion of opposition — to the point where they have statements like “If you’ve voted Tory, don’t speak to me”, “F*ck All Conservatives” or quite simply, “No Tories” in their dating bios.
Well, that’s not very inclusive, is it? Or is it more a case of when it suits?
We millennials are taught, quite rightly, to be tolerant of race, gender and sexual orientation — yet the very people who push these issues into a (rather boring) daily spotlight are wholly intolerant of anyone who has an opposing viewpoint, politically or otherwise.
It’s hypocrisy, plainly and simply — and I can’t stand it.
Now, I’m by no means saying that I’m Enoch Powell or that I’m ‘offended’ by this stuff — it’s a source of raucous laughter, more than anything.
I’m not even saying that I condone what the Tories have done to this once glorious nation in recent years.
I disagreed with tripling tuition fees whilst taxes were cut for the wealthy, the NHS being dramatically underfunded and let’s face it, in disarray — while the housing crisis makes it nigh-on impossible for a young person like myself to get on the property ladder — no matter how hard one may try.
By the way, I don’t for one second doubt that Conservative idiots hold similar contempt for Labour love seekers, either.
But, by discriminating against anyone who takes more of an interest in one political party over the frankly feckless, unelectable Labourites — you’re no more woke than I.
And I can assure you, that’s not very woke at all.
So, Socialist Softies, give it a bash. Organise a 2-for-1 cocktail sesh with a Rees-Mogg lookalike when the bars are back open. Perhaps sparks will fly in the bedroom… perhaps not.
At least he’ll have a blazer large enough to keep you both warm whilst waiting for separate taxis.
What happened to Susanna?
MY first awareness of Susanna Reid came via an interview with Arctic Monkeys frontman, Alex Turner, on BBC Breakfast.
She was light, playful and flirty in the kind of way a prolifically divorced auntie is at a 21st birthday party, but more refreshing and less young-buck thirsty than that.
If that interview were to resurface now, he’d probably be “cancelled”, as he did flirt back — but saying that, it was 2013, things were different back then.
Anyway, I liked that version of Susanna. Then she got a gig on Good Morning Britain, met Piers Morgan and morphed into Kim Woodburn.
We’ve all been that kid whose Mum has said, “you just wait until your Dad gets home”.
You rush to lie in state whilst pretending to read a self-help manual when you hear his car hit the driveway, like butter wouldn’t melt.
She fills him in on your minor misdemeanour with a touch of less-than-helpful exaggeration, and then eyeballs you from the pillar of your bedroom door, smug as ****, as Dad takes a sledgehammer to your PlayStation.
That’s Susanna Reid.
6pm curfew for men? No problem!
BARONESS Jenny Jones of Moulescoomb told the House of Loons on Thursday that we should be considering a 6pm curfew on men.
Her nonsensical recommendation comes in the wake of the shocking and tragic murder of Sarah Everard — whose remains were confirmed to have been found on Friday.
Of course, the woke women of Britain rallied behind this ridiculous suggestion (as they do), but fear not, for I have the perfect way around this should you be a man stopped at 6:01pm and asked why you’re not at home.
Just say you’re a woman. Ain’t nobody gonna question that.
Mars sounds good, Mr Musk.
ELON MUSK wants to transfer a large portion of the human population to Mars.
Is there a pub up there with a load of blokes stood at the bar necking ale, with an uncensored version of Fairytale of New York on in the background?
What about the nursery rhyme, Baa Baa —
Yes? Really?
Where do I buy a ticket?
Beware, the pushy parent
TEACHERS will again decide their pupils’ fate this summer, instead of conventional exams.
This is terribly harsh on the kids who (quite literally) pull an A from their sleeve on exam day, or those brainbox gobsh*tes who’ll end up with a stream of D’s.
It strikes me that if you’ve a parent regularly attending PA meetings and posting Teachers’ Union petitions on Facebook, demanding a pay-rise for the build quality of their latest sandcastles — and yet more time off to prevent their exhaustion — you’re in luck.
