I Need to Stop Correcting People. And Maybe You Should Too
I’m trying to quit cold turkey. Join me.
I grew up in a culture where we are not encouraged to smile. Yes, that’s correct. There are cultures where this is not encouraged.
You smile when you have a reason to smile. You laugh when there is a reason to laugh. What you don’t do is smile without a good reason.
You’re walking down a street? No smile, my friend.
Someone talks to you, and you don’t know them? No, no, no. No smile, my friend.
A child smiled at you? You turn that frown upside down and show those pearly whites. I said we didn’t smile without a reason, not that we’re monsters.
Why am I telling you this? Because to understand where I’m coming from, you have to understand my culture. Or at least try to. Please, do.
In this place where we are not encouraged to smile, we are encouraged to always be honest. And by that, I mean blunt.
If someone asks you if those jeans make them look fat, and in fact, those jeans make them look fat, you will look them straight in the eyes and say: “Yes, those jeans make you look fat.”
You’re probably thinking: we are not honest, we are rude. I respectfully disagree. The thing is, we are raised to handle bluntness, and we seldom get offended if someone doesn’t sugarcoat or beat around the bush. If we asked you a direct question, we would expect a direct answer.
I want to know the truth, so this means they do too!
After moving abroad, it didn’t take me long to learn that I desperately needed to shut up.
I was going to dinner with a group of people from work. We hardly knew each other and one senior member of management suggested we all go to a Malaysian restaurant. Not knowing what to expect, since none of us tried Malaysian dishes before, we agreed to let him decide on the choice.
After the meal, many of my colleagues were very unhappy with the food and whispered among each other how unappetizing it was. However, when the senior manager asked them their opinion, yummy sounds were made. When he looked at me and asked: “Sara, did you like the food?” I said: “Not really.”
You could hear the crickets. Everyone glared at me.
These situations happened a few times more before I realized this approach wasn’t working.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I was aware not to be blunt in every situation with every person I encountered. But I would lie if I said it was easy to differentiate.
But, but… You are Wrong
Being wrong means you are not telling the truth. At least, that’s how I nicely presented it to myself.
What happens when you see someone doing something the wrong way? Or saying something that is not correct?
You see, to me, when someone says something that is not correct, and I don’t say anything, that means I either agree with them, or I don’t care enough to correct them. And I considered myself a caring person if I corrected you.
And by this, I don’t mean going against an opinion. An opinion is not necessarily true or false. It’s simply that, an opinion. We can discuss your view on religion or social benefits for the unemployed. But we cannot call a rabbit a dog. (Unless your grandma called that rabbit a dog, and you honor her by doing so. Then count me in! It’s a dog, and I will fight anyone who claims otherwise.)
A few days ago, I saw an article done by a very popular writer, on a topic I find interesting. I followed that writer for years, on different platforms, and I loved to read everything he wrote. Even when he did so about opinions I disagreed with.
After reading the article, something didn’t sit right, so I double and triple-checked all the facts. Asked an expert in the field. Yup, the writer was wrong. And I mean, calling a rabbit a dog, wrong.
Without much thought, I wrote a response to the article thinking to myself how he can correct the wrong details and all is well. I went so far that I envisioned him grateful!
Did this happen? No. He removed my response and got on with his life.
So, should we tell someone they are not correct? These are the guidelines I try to follow. Emphasis on the try.
Is correcting them important and beneficial to THEM?
You are talking to a friend, and they state: “YouTube pays their content creators 85% of the ad revenue.” They plan to use this information at a meeting the next day, and you know for a fact that YouTube pays only 45%.
This is a scenario where I would feel comfortable enough to correct a friend.
Remove yourself from the equation. Ask yourself if the information you provide is absolutely correct and will it be beneficial for them to know it?
If the answer is yes, proceed to the next question.
Can you correct them in a kind manner?
You decided that correcting them was important and beneficial. What now?
Observe the situation and the person you are trying to correct. If the room is crowded with other people, or the platform you are correcting them on is full of their followers, wait. Do it later, in private.
No one wants to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed in front of others. Even if you are 100% sure they wouldn’t mind, I am 100% sure they wouldn’t mind if you did it without witnesses.
Choose your words. Be gentle.
Telling a person that something they think they know is wrong can be hard to hear. If you know them, you probably know how they like to receive those types of news. If you don’t, the easiest way is to ask them open-ended questions about the material and help them understand the mistake themselves.
When that doesn’t work, try to word it in a way that shows them you are not trying to be a know-it-all, but a person who is genuinely interested in helping them.
What I took out of this and maybe you could too?
My mistake with the writer I tried to correct was threefold.
- I assumed correcting him would be important to HIM.
- I assumed if I corrected him, it would be beneficial to HIM.
- I assumed a public platform was an ok place to state his mistake.
It’s hard to always keep these guidelines at the top of your head. Especially if you add value to an act.
How I saw it was, I cared enough to “help” another person. I believed that how I did it and where I did it was not as important as telling them they stated something wrong. All my assumptions were wrong.
I genuinely believe that people care about the truth and facts. And most of the time they do, but not from a random person on the Internet, on a public platform.
Don’t be like me. Stop and think before you open your mouth.
Trust me, you’ll be more fun at parties.
