A city with a symphony orchestra will have an annual homicide rate up to 22% higher than a city with a philharmonic, but as many as 50…

— a DIE HARD carol —

“…selected to reflect the character, spirit, or concerns of the year past…”

Thank you, sincerely, for your service.

A Refresher for Undecided Aquatican Floaters

Ye Olde Excerpt, as Promised

My wife and I split chores in the household. We don’t share. We are very clear who does what because when you make a clear-cut line it is…

A Classic Game Show Updated for the New Normal

I wasn’t a rich woman, so I don’t have much to leave you with. I hope that whoever acquires these relics of a past age finds some enjoyment…

(Hint: On the bedroom bookshelf)

One urged gun reform, so they showed her to the door….

Well, you look terrific. I’m so glad we were finally able to make this happen. My job’s been crazy recently, and then there was that thing…

• The 20 employee-strong team of the Scranton, Pennsylvania, branch of Dunder Mifflin remains intact, although there are slightly less…

Suggestions from the Rituals Committee of Congregation Sons of God

Dear Jimmy in Cleveland,

Some people just have no sense of adventure.

For sale: baby shoes, never worn; also hats.

Written with Christopher Brailey

A Tragicomedy in Three Acts

…of This Year’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloons