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From the fa-la-la-archives.

2021 Christmas Humor Wrap-Up (of Yore)

Well, it’s that time again. The period immediately before and after December 25. Yuletide. Noel. Christmas. When nice Jewish boys are looking back on stories posted in years past around this time… and posting links to those, because he was too busy and/or lazy to write something new. (And only three of them are about Die Hard!) Merry Rehashmas, everyone.

Stock photography is the true gift.

1. Here We Come A-Karening

Don’t answer the door.

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I choose
Give me a leash for my dog
That I don’t have to use”

2. KRAMER* vs. KRINGLE

*on Behalf of Herself and All Others Similarly Situated

’Tis the last day of trial, and to all in the court,
I now offer this argument sounding in tort:
My client, Miss Kramer, and others aggrieved
Have sued to recover for gifts unreceived
From defendant Kris Kringle-a/k/a “Claus,”
Whose actions should give you, the jury, some pause.

3. The Little Gunner “Roy”

— a DIE HARD carol —

Come, she told me
(Me and my gun)
To Nakatomi
(Me and my gun)

4. DIE HIRED

Now it’s a party, Bill Clay thought.

A chamber orchestra played classical music. Servers in tuxedos handed out flutes of champagne. There were… crudités? Canapés? Both, probably. It was a very fancy to-do. It was going to be fairly short as well, though — being that it was Christmas Eve and Mr. Takagi didn’t expect his subordinates to be at Nakatomi Plaza rather than with their families. And Bill Clay was glad about that. Because as sophisticated as the party was, it was also deadly boring.

5. Selected Scenes From “It’s a Wonderful Heist”

DIE HARD comes to Bedford Falls

HANS:
Mr. Bailey, we could discuss mortgages and charities all day, but I’m afraid I am more interested in the eight thousand dollars in cash you have in your safe.

6. L’Chaim for the Holiday

Suggestions from the Rituals Committee of Congregation Sons of God

“Rumor has it that Christmas is coming soon, and perhaps no other season is infused with as many longstanding traditions! Of course, longstanding traditions are made to be broken.”

7. Letters from Santa at the End of the Patriarchy

Dear Jimmy in Cleveland…

“It was nice to see you at the Great Northern Mall last weekend. Thanks for your follow-up letter detailing the gifts you hoped to receive this Christmas. I know you’ve been a good boy, but I have a bit of bad news.”

8. The Holiday Season Has Become Difficult for Me, A. Warren Christmas

But maybe this year will be different.

“I remember where I was when it happened: at home, in my living room, relaxing on the sofa, listening to NPR. A commentator — it might have been a correspondent — referred to me by name on the air, prompting me to sit up and listen carefully.”

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Matthew David Brozik

Matthew David Brozik

Novelist. Copywriter. Lawyer. Lone punman. Visit imdb.name

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