5 Numbers That Deserve to Be Prime

There’s more that counts than just divisibility.

No one knows when the first prime number was invented. At least, that’s what I can deduce from the unresolved state of my Yahoo! Answers post. No one is even sure when we last bestowed prime status upon a number. My old math teacher told me via Facebook message that the last prime number was created in “I don’t understand the question.”

But it’s 2020. We live in a different world now, and I believe it is long past time that we welcome a few new numbers to the prime fraternity. When I mentioned this to the old math teacher from earlier, she said: “You can’t just give out prime status.” Well, tell that to Jeff frickin’ Bezos, Ms. Carpenter!

Here are the five (5) numbers that I hereby nominate for designation as prime:

1. 14. Everyone knows the longstanding policy that no even number can be prime except 2. And you’re a fool if you think 2 hasn’t used its considerable political influence to keep that rule on the books. But it’s high time to end the cycle of those in power suppressing the voices of deserving numbers simply because they are even. 14 is the first double-digit number to be upfront and honest about who it is. It’s a one and a four. It doesn’t try to hide behind some fancy stage name like eleven (oneteen) or twelve (twoteen). Even 13 hides its true self (threeteen), not unlike an Italian restaurant spelling parmigiano as “parmesan” to pander to an uncultured clientele. Fourteen’s courage—to say nothing of its many great accomplishments (the atomic number of silicone; the atomic weight of nitrogen; second-place finish in a list of 30 integers under 30 that has been submitted to, but not yet accepted by, Forbes)—makes it a solid contender for prime standing.
2. 30. It surely has not been easy sledding for 30, crammed between 29 and 31—two numbers that have held prime designation for a very long time. In my opinion, 30 is just as deserving as its number line neighbors. You might counter, “Well, 6 is stuck between two primes as well. Maybe we should consider 6,” but I don’t think you’d be making that argument in good faith. Mathematicians have a saying: If you’re arguing on behalf of 6, you’ve already lost. Look, I can provide a bunch of statistics that support 30 being prime—such as it’s being the largest number whose smaller coprimes are all prime numbers—but statistics alone aren’t what makes a number prime. It’s more about what the number means to each of us. 30 is perfect. 30 minutes is the length of an episode of your favorite TV show. Also, it’s in the name of your favorite TV show, 30 Rock. If we’re looking for true meritocracy, now is the time for 30 to be welcomed to the club. Additionally, when I turned 30 I told myself that 30 was the new 23, and 23 is a prime number. Ipso facto, 30 is prime.
3. 14,751. Because who cares. If I told you this was already a prime number, you’d believe me. Once you get over 100, absolutely no one knows whether or not a number is prime. It’s like your grandpa telling you about how good some football player was that played in the 1940s. Sure, he sounds great, but literally no one cares about someone called “Crazy Legs.” Go ahead and give 14,751 the honor (unless it’s already a prime number. I don’t really know. No one does).
4. 100. The centum is one of the most decorated and celebrated numbers out there. $100 bills are the most prized denomination of money. The turn of the century is, historically, celebrated ten times more often than the turn of a millennium. 100% is the most you can give (outside of a job interview, where you must insist that you’ll give an impossible 110%). The only thing missing from the trophy case is prime status, and I think it’s time for 100 to achieve the numerical equivalent of the EGOT.
5. 75. The authoritarian supremacy that 2 has lorded over even numbers is rivaled only by the tyranny of 5 being the only number ending in -5 allowed to be prime. Well, ding, dong, the witch is dead. 75 is a perfect candidate because 75 is the consummate role-player. 75 is the mark of a life lived beyond average human life expectancy. A 75 is a solid C. 75 has a better résumé than many numbers already in the prime fellowship. Other than tumors in your colon, there are few things in this world you’d rather have 3 of than 75 of. I’m not saying 3 should be kicked out, but if 3's in, then surely 75 should be in as well. Plus, one can’t help but imagine the way elevating 75 would inspire other numbers ending in -5 to realize what they’re capable of. Representation is important. I can’t help but smile just thinking about a young 25, looking on as 75 is made prime and picturing itself up there on the stage one day. One can also picture an inspired 25, 35, and 45 leaving the priming ceremony, joining together to topple statues of 5 with ropes like the Iraqis after the fall of Saddam Hussein. It would be beautiful to witness this display of numerical jubilation and emancipation.