America’s Greatest Renewable Resources
We’ll never run out of these! Hooray?
Forget sun, wind, and water. These are the materials that truly power America. And luckily, we have a never-ending supply of them.
Life Advice From Rich People
Just imagine what a dire situation our country would be in if multi-millionaires suddenly stopped talking. Fortunately, there’s no risk of that! Thanks to Mark Cuban, Oprah Winfrey, and Gwyneth Paltrow, Americans are all rich and svelte, with freshly steamed vaginas.
Arguments in the Comments Section
If only SteveFunFun81 could admit that your take on health care reform is the correct one, the entire problem could be solved. But of course that jerk you’ve never met can’t give even an inch, so for the good of the nation you must respond to him and then he will respond to you and back and forth and back and forth…. This river of semi-informed disagreement will never stop flowing!
Podcasts
It happens every time you log onto Facebook or Twitter: Somebody you follow has a new episode of their podcast on accounting humor/an unsolved murder/how to use socks that you must listen to. There are even podcasts about making podcasts, which in turn prompts people to make jokes about those podcasts, creating a fresh supply of would-be comedians who then go on to make their own podcasts. By the way, please listen to my podcast, “Who’s Next Door.”
Ideas for Fake Milks
From soy to coconut to oat milk, there’s no limit to the non-milk liquids that can be steamed, foamed, and drawn into an image of an injured swan on top of your coffee. And when one product suddenly becomes politically incorrect — we’re looking at you, almond milk — there’s always a back-up waiting in the wings. Want some pea milk with that?
Student Loan Debt
Former students owe a total of $1.41 trillion in student loans, with the average balance per borrower around over $35,000. That’s amazing news for America, because our government owns $1 trillion of that. It’s as if Uncle Sam got tatted up and opened his own branch of Payday Express! With stagnant wages and rising housing costs making the loans increasingly harder to pay back, loan administrators will be kept busy trying to collect that money as long as the earth remains in one piece — and possibly even longer.
Canadian Singers
When not exploiting our own natural resources, America loves to take the resources of other countries. This is true even in the music industry, where we have mined our patient neighbor to the North for singers like Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, and Shawn Mendes. Fortunately for both countries, there’s always more Canadians who can sing. In fact, it’s their third favorite pastime after curling and eating ketchup chips.
Complaints About the Length of CVS Receipts
While CVS receipts are seemingly endless, the complaints about those CVS receipts are actually endless. Those complaints generate enough hot air to warm a 2,500-foot home in winter, which is fortunate for the owners of that home. Congratulations to the Rashid family of Fitchburg, Wisconsin!
Menu Item Adjectives
Have you ever gone into a restaurant and wanted to order the pan-seared, slow-roasted, wine-rolled, spicy-and-cool chicken fingers, but all they had was a velvety, farm-to-table, heart-smart, fork-tender mac and cheese? That might be annoying, but you can take solace in the fact that all those adjectives continue to power small businesses. And those small businesses have been incredibly successful at turning so many Americans into the artery-clogged, weak-lunged, scooter-dependent folks we know and love.
Dirty Socks
You just washed and put away all your socks, yet… there are no clean ones left to wear. Scientists in Germany recently discovered that clean socks automatically revert to dirty when not closely observed by humans. Based on this research, Volkswagen plans to release a new hatchback in 2024, the Schmutzigesocken, which will be entirely powered with the energy released by self-dirtying socks. We’re saved!
