An Apology to My Samsung TV and the CIA
What you heard is not what I meant.
Dear CIA / Corporate Arm of the CIA,
Recently it has come to light that you have been able to spy on anybody with a Samsung TV by turning it into an always-on listening device. I, for one, think that’s great!
I have no problem with you recording me or my entire life — including bathroom activities — because I have nothing to hide. Unlike my neighbor, I am not full of dangerous thoughts. (The neighbor I mean is the one at 3229 Beaumonx Ave. It’s the house with the sports car in the driveway that he thinks makes him better than me.)
I am writing you this letter because I think some things you heard are not actually what they sounded like. I’d like to clear the air. (“Clearing the air” is NOT a reference to debugging my house. You know I wouldn’t do that. It’s just an expression.)
First, I should explain the “Dominatrix.” The sounds of creaking leather outfits and whips and stuff was actually some Foley work I’m doing for my friend’s short film! Ha ha, you guys probably thought it was real. But no, that woman’s voice belongs to my friend who is an actress, and my screams were theatrical ad-libs. She said they might use them in the film! (Don’t tell my wife about the film, though. I want it to be a surprise for her when she finds out later from me and not you.)
You might have heard what sounded like an order for an adult male-sized “My Little Pony” mask from “Bronies R Us,” but that was an order for my niece. She has a condition where her face is elongated so she needs a bigger mask. And when it showed up and it sounded like I unwrapped it and tried it on? I was just testing that it was safe to give to her, which I will be doing in nine months for Christmas.
During poker night, when I bet my friend Pete $500 that “Bernie would win” — if you listen carefully — you will NOT hear the sound of a handshake that would make the bet formal and binding. (Please explain this to Pete through his own TV. He won’t speak to me anymore.)
That phone conversation in which I told my wife I was “looking for work” and moments later you heard what sounded like soft sobbing followed by the crunch of an entire bag of Cheetos being eaten during an episode of “Sex and the City”? That was coming from outside. I had a window open.
I hope you understand these explanations for what you have (allegedly!) heard. I appreciate your patience and know we will continue to have a great relationship in the future.
On an unrelated note, you might be aware that I’ve gotten rid of my smart TV. This had NOTHING to do with you guys or the quality of the equipment or anything! If you need updates on my life just send me a letter (I don’t do email anymore) and I’ll happily reply.
Getting rid of the cable package (and my cell phone!) is simply part of my new minimalist life. I even got rid of my computer! This freed up money for something I’ve always wanted but JUST NOW was able to finally install: my new smart fridge.
