Choices the Government Must Face When Considering the Border Wall Prototypes
Published in
3 min readNov 9, 2017
“Six contractors have made bids on the wall, and the specific details of their plans are not public. But they allowed us to visit the prototypes, and we asked border security experts and engineers what they saw in each design and what challenges each wall may face. The prototypes present the government with a number of choices.” — New York Times, November 8, 2017
- Concrete or steel? Steel can be cut rather easily with a torch and also very malleable; but while concrete can withstand torches, can it withstand a sledgehammer?!
- Opaque or transparent? It might be beneficial to have a transparent wall so that those guarding it can know what is on the other side of the wall; but is a see-through wall sufficiently intimidating for those on the other side of it?
- Big and beautiful or just big? The wall must be big enough to be unscaleable but it’s hard to make a big wall beautiful. Should there be murals? If we paint murals, how do we decide which images of Ivanka to paint and who gets to paint her?
- Peanut or plain? There will be vending machines along the wall to help pay for it. When at those vending machines, should I get Peanut M&Ms or Plain M&Ms?
- Britney or Christina? Obviously the border patrol will need something to listen to so they don’t get bored. Do we pipe in Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera? What if one border patrol man is into “Oops….I Did It Again” but the other one is more “Dirrty”? Even if this choice is answered, other choices will remain. Beatles or Rolling Stones? Elton John or Billy Joel? Whitney or Mariah? Katy Perry or Lady Gaga?
- Tastes great or Less filling? Obviously there will be kegs of Miller Lite situated at random keg-points along the wall. Why do people drink Miller Lite in the first place? Is it because of Miller Lite’s great taste or because it is less filling? The wall must decide.
- Auburn or Alabama? The wall will be “A” for awesome. But what if someone from Alabama visits the wall and thinks the “A” is really for the University of Alabama (Roll Tide!) and they get all territorial and the people who cheer for Auburn get mad?
- Breezy bangs with some long layered beachy wave shag or a slightly wavy true bob with a little bit of subtle layering at the ends to round out the shape? Uniformity will be key to keeping the wall secure. How will we insist border patrol agents do their hair so that their hair stays out of their eyes so that they can see if anyone is penetrating the wall but also look on trend? Also, what if the wall’s best friend gets a pixie cut and just can’t stop talking about it?
- Go to Hawaii with the plastic surgeon? What if the wall turns out to be a hapless romantic struggling with the ups and downs of its love life? What if the wall is also the plucky assistant to a renowned plastic surgeon with an eye for younger women? What if through a strange twist of fate, the wall discovers that its former high school boyfriend might be the sperm donor and thusly the biological father of its son? What if the wall must choose between finding out if there is a spark between it and its former high school boyfriend and accompanying the renowned plastic surgeon to Hawaii to see if there is a spark between them?
- Does the wall need another shot of Patron? Well, does it? Do we?
