How Pants Work
Published in

How Pants Work

Please give a warm welcome to…

Donald Trump & Lou Costello

Plus, a very special guest appearance at the end!

Trump: “Well, Costello, I’ve got a plan to make America great again, and WHO’s not part of it.”

Costello: “Who’s not part of it?”

Trump: “That’s right.”

Costello: “What’s right?”

Trump: “That WHO’s not part of my plan to make America great again. And why should it be? According to a recent letter I signed but almost certainly did not either write or read all of, WHO consistently ignored credible reports of the coronavirus spreading in China in December 2019 or even earlier. Also, WHO failed to independently investigate reports that conflicted directly with the Chinese government’s official accounts, even those that came from sources within Wuhan itself.”

Costello: “Who did?”

Trump: “Yes.”

Costello: “Oh, I see now. You’re referring to the World Health Organization: the specialized agency of the United Nations, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland, established in 1948, which has played a leading role in several public health achievements, most notably the eradication of smallpox, the near-eradication of polio, and the development of an Ebola vaccine. The body that relies on voluntary contributions from member states and private donors for funding… to which you have forbidden contributions from the United States, a petty action largely condemned by actual world leaders and health experts, of which you are neither.”

Trump: “Who isn’t?”

Costello: “You aren’t. Moreover, despite your recent threat to permanently terminate all United States funding of WHO, in fact you do not have the authority to unilaterally overrule congressional funding decisions.”

Trump: “Who doesn’t?”

Costello: “You don’t.”

Trump: “But I wanna!”

Costello: “Did you say Ivana? Your first wife? The woman who accused you of rape and of pulling out handfuls of her hair?”

Trump: “Wow. I did not see that coming.”

Costello: “Speaking of Nazis, they’ve been crawling out of the woodwork, largely thanks to you. Remember the ‘very fine people on both sides’?”

Trump: “Fine people? Like with a tariff? I’ve already imposed several tariffs, because trade wars are good, and easy to win. So are elections. I beat Barack Obama from Kenya in a landslide.”

Costello: “You didn’t. In fact, despite a concerted scheme to unlawfully influence the results of the election, you lost the popular vote to Hillary Clinton. Then, notwithstanding your promise to ‘drain the swamp,’ you installed a revolving-door administration employing some of the most corrupt people ever to collude with a foreign power.”

Trump: “That’s fake news. When it comes to people, I’d say we’ve raised the bar.”

Costello: “If you’re referring to your Attorney General, William Barr, you probably couldn’t go any lower.”

Trump: “Oh, I don’t know.”

Abbot & Costello: “Third base!”

Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with impeachment? Is it peach? Is it mint? And can we try it again?”

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