How Pants Work
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How Pants Work

Dr. Fauci Weighs In On How All That Ass Can Fit In Them Jeans

America’s most trusted doctor gives his expert opinion on the nation’s most asked question.

How does it all fit? Where does it all go? And why? These are just a few of the mind-boggling questions Americans must face on a daily basis.

We are in unprecedented times. As concern for where, why, and how all that ass can fit in them jeans grows across the nation and the world, I was asked to address you all tonight to speak on behalf of the scientific community. And I want to be frank with you: this is a subject matter I just can’t wrap my hands — pardon me, my head around. In all my years as a scientist and medical professional, I have never seen anything with the breadth and thiccness as this. Therefore, my colleagues and I have made the very difficult decision to halt our studies on COVID-19 to instead focus our efforts on this perplexing subject that is the bubble butt.

Time is of the essence, and we believe we should get answers to exactly how all that ass can fit in those jeans before we officially enter sweatpants season. This can only be achieved through a proper study funded by the CDC. To accomplish this, we’ll need specific volunteers to be test subjects. We’re now actively recruiting volunteers who identify as the following: a female between the ages of 18–30, a U.S. size jeans of 10 or larger, pretty face, thicc thighs, and ain’t missing no meals. If you believe you qualify to be a volunteer, please contact us via my cell phone number that I’ll provide below following this press conference.

As we learn more every day how these cabooses are gaining the capability to fit themselves in those trousers, we’ve come across an interesting phenomenon. Not only have we discovered that genes play a large part in determining the magnitude of a woman’s hindquarters, but the style of jeans that contains the keister. We at the National Institute of Health like to refer to this as the “jeanotype.” Throughout the decades, the classic straight-leg jean has mutated to become other strands of denim, like bootcut, flare, skinny, boyfriend, and the trendy superspreader, high-waisted “mom jeans.” Responsible for an outbreak among a large wave of women in the ’90s, we are especially concerned with this last jeanotype as purchases of these jeans continue to rise. Additionally, not much is known about this jeanotype’s coverage, as its high-waisted nature leaves much more to the imagination compared to its low-rise cousin, where the ass simply did not fit into those jeans.

Although wearing a piece of cloth over your nose and mouth has become a political issue, finding out why all that cake can fit in them Levi’s is a human issue. It’s important for people like me and those in Washington to reach across the aisle and both buttcheeks to find our answers. It’s becoming a larger than life interpersonal issue because new research from global studies have found out that dump truck size is genetic and those juicy cheeks are being passed down from the mother. This has forced tons of women to shake what their mothers gave them and is what’s keeping me up at night. I am happy to testify in front of Congress about these findings.

This isn’t a fight that was meant to be fought alone. I’ll be working closely with the hip hop community as the gluteus maximus has been a source of inspiration for their art and I’m impressed with their familiarity with the subject. The community that’s been galvanized by honest activists like Sir Mix-A-Lot and Snoop Doggy Dogg has called on women to back it up and drop it like it’s hot for decades, and I’m looking forward to their expert opinions here. These musical artists have brought great awareness to the badonkadonk thanks to its prominent appearances in music videos. The awareness doesn’t stop there either. Issues like these don’t get the attention it deserves until there’s private and public funding, and I love how these creators support women’s juicy doubles by tossing money at them figuratively and literally. My partners in the rap community put their money where their mouth is because some booties are just too juicy to resist.

This isn’t a time to give up and be hopeless. We will find out together how those cheeks fit inside them jeans and you can help. If you feel like you have a phat ass, try walking by a group of construction workers during their lunch hour, you will hear a whistle sound and they’ll let you know whether you have one or not. Wear protective contacts or glasses while you’re outside because that pooper can come out of nowhere and it can really be shocking. Let’s come together as Americans, put coronavirus aside, and find out how all that ass can fit in them jeans. And in the name of science, we are pleading with you: if you believe you have a phat ass, please, PLEASE, don’t stay home. Come out and about so I can see you, girl. Thank you for your time.

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Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

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Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at kappstillmansatire@gmail.com.