Find the Baby That’s Right for You

Five simple steps toward the small human of your dreams.

Sheryl Zohn
Feb 21, 2020 · 3 min read
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Come test-drive this baby today!

Are you in the market for a new baby? With more makes and models of babies than ever before, chances are you don’t know where to start. By following these five simple steps, soon you will have the baby of your dreams.

Step 1: Assess Your Needs

First, think about your sleep habits. Do you do your best work by waking at 5 AM? Or perhaps you achieve the most by staying up until 4 AM? Good news! There are babies who can be awake and ready for your attention at all of these hours, and more. Many, many, many more.

Now consider food. Perhaps you and your partner enjoy eating exotic foods at newly opened restaurants. In that case you’ll need the baby who can stay quiet (please, I’m begging you) for the 45 minutes it takes the waiter (where is he, dammit?) to bring you your squid ink ramen and for you to slurp it down (forget it, we’ll just take it to go).

Then, there’s the issue of elimination. Be sure to consider which will best match your home décor: projectile spit-up, fountain-like peeing, or Chernobyl-like diaper blow-outs.

Step 2: Set Your Budget

According to the Department of Agriculture, the average cost of raising a child is $14,000 per year. Luckily, you can find babies in a variety of trims to fit any budget.

Premium babies can sleep only in $800 oval cribs and require $1100 Dutch stroller systems for optimal mobility. They must be dressed in 100% organic cotton onesies. Their childcare providers need at minimum a master’s degree in Child Development.

The more affordable Sport babies are comfortable in anything made in China as long as it is assembled in your living room. Their childcare is provided by adults paid the minimum wage who generally wash their hands before snack time.

Meanwhile, entry-level Basic babies can ride in anything with four wheels and are happy to slumber in a cardboard box. They can be cared for by whichever unemployed family member’s dementia has progressed the least.

Step 3: Use a Baby Finder

Now that you’ve decided what sort of baby you need and how much you’re willing to pay for it, it’s time to locate the baby you’ll soon be naming. While you could call around to comparison shop, we recommend using a trusted website like Tinder. Swipe right on multiple profiles to find the best deal.

Step 4: Test-Drive Your Baby

Only complete fools would accept a baby sight unseen and take it home with them that same day. Instead, try the baby out before strapping it into your car seat. Follow this simple procedure: Pick the baby up and gently pat it on the bottom as you walk around the hospital halls. If the baby doesn’t offer a smooth ride, stop by the nursery and swap it out for another. Don’t forget to switch ankle tags first, or you might end up with an expensive ticket!

Step 5: Consider Leasing

While some parents are looking for a baby that will meet their needs for years to come, others prefer to keep up with the latest features offered by newer models. If you never want to pay for college, train a teenage driver, travel with a surly tween, or sit through an endless Little League game, consider a five- or even two-year baby lease. Best of all, they’ll never be too old for the Child Tax Credit.

Need additional guidance? The experts at the Baby Manufacturers of America are happy to help. After all, it’s the last type of manufacturing still done proudly here in the USA.

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Sheryl Zohn

Written by

Sheryl Zohn is a writer based in Los Angeles. She is the co-host of the humorous podcast series “Who’s Next Door.”

How Pants Work

Inseamly humor.

Sheryl Zohn

Written by

Sheryl Zohn is a writer based in Los Angeles. She is the co-host of the humorous podcast series “Who’s Next Door.”

How Pants Work

Inseamly humor.

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