Appointing the Perfect Presidential Pooch
Let’s Make America Growl Again
Dogs have long played a prominent role in the White House. From the Obama’s hypoallergenic Portuguese Water pups Bo and Sunny, to Eisenhower’s incontinent Weimaraner named Heidi, dogs have been enduring White House companions.
The Trump family has yet to announce if a pet will join them at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Rumors are swirling that Patton, the adorable Goldendoodle from Palm Beach, Florida, will be the newest Trump offspring. No offense, little Patton, but there may be some other breeds better suited to the first family.
HUD Service Hound
The Basset hound is a laidback pooch known for its droopy eyes, extremely low energy, and reticent behavior toward its owner. Bassets are an indifferent breed, easily confused and befuddled. Basset hound owners typically think the breed can take on a demanding leadership role with relatively no relevant experience. However, when faced with conflict, the Basset is inclined to act aloof and speak softly in circles.
Iron Curtain Terrier
The Black Russian terrier is known for being an intelligent and powerful breed dating back to the 40’s and 50’s in the U.S.S.R. This macho dog prefers to wrestle tigers, hit the judo mat, and bully the weak. This pup is a bit of a Casanova, enjoying paid companionship, as long as the companions are not activists or journalists; in that case the terrier will have them incarcerated. The Black Russian terrier may not be trustworthy, but you know you will have a great time pounding the Stoli with this breed.
Alt-Right Bandogge
Along with its scary appearance, this son of a bitch is fiercely intelligent and crafty. Known for its dominance over other dogs, its instincts, aggression and unwillingness to back down make this pup a perfect protector. This breed has a tendency to be nearsighted with a “divide and conquer” mentality. This dog loves baths, especially when they involve ethnic cleansing.
Counseling Boxer
Boxers are protectors — fierce guard dogs. If this dog took on a human form it would have long blonde hair, use terms like “alternative facts,” and label sexual assault victims as opportunistic. Boxers are characteristically intense and aggressive. This breed is scrappy, stubborn, and known for instilling fear without any regard for the truth.
Commander in Chow Chow Chief
With its epic golden locks, the Chow Chow demands constant attention. They are known for being a very jealous breed that likes to be the center of attention. The Chow Chow’s personality and demeanor are ego-driven. This dog can be difficult to train because of its stubborn and obstinate nature. Chow Chows enjoy eating a Wendy’s Double Stack, the #10 KFC Meal Deal, and steaks sold at Sharper Image.
Looks like Patton the Goldendoodle may have some competition for a top spot at the White House.
