How Pants Work
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How Pants Work

Flagging Interest

Let’s review protocol, shall we?

  • A national flag flown upside down is commonly understood to be a distress signal, but on a naval vessel. Therefore, it makes little to no sense for anyone to lower the U.S. flag on the pole in the front of the building, invert it, then raise it again if there is a problem in the school, being that the school is not a boat and has not been a boat since 1946. Also — and this should go without saying, but I really can’t be too careful here — if the school is in distress — if it has been captured by pirates, for instance — and you are able to get out of the building, please do not take the time to invert the American flag out front. Please go for help instead. We can deal with the flags when the crisis has passed.
  • Folding an American flag into the shape of a dinosaur before hoisting it is not disrespectful to the United States, necessarily, but it can be insensitive to creationists. A memo about what we are teaching in science and shop classes will follow separately.
  • We’ve all heard, I’m sure, that setting a flag on fire is verboten, but then we’ve also heard that burning a flag is the proper way to dispose of one. In any event, torching the American flag and then hoisting it is by no means acceptable, so the district-wide homecoming flag burning/raising scheduled for next Saturday has been canceled.

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