For Valentine’s Day I’m Getting You Bitcoin

Hey Girl,

It’s that special time of year. “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” as the song says.

It’s Sexy Tuesday.

Hint: It’s me! (And some dogs.)

A lot of guys complain that Valentine’s Day was created by the greeting card industry just to sell merchandise via emotional blackmail — kind of like how the concept of a diamond engagement ring was literally created by the diamond industry to sell a product that supports slavery and war.

But not me.

I think this day was created just for you. A special day so I can spoil you rotten, because you’re so sweet.

That’s why this year for Valentine’s Day — to set the mood — I’m getting you a DEEPLY AROUSING gift. I’m getting you some Bitcoin.

Coin not included. But bits are.

You know how our relationship feels like magic? Nothing goes better with magic than MAGIC INTERNET MONEY. I remember that one time we role-played “Pretty Woman” in bed and everything was going great until I pulled out my wallet. You said I “ruined the mood” somehow.

Well guess what? The monetary transfer will be entirely digital this time. It’s like paying you for sex IN THE CLOUD. Who wouldn’t want to do it in a cloud? That mood’s bulletproof now, baby.

Don’t worry — I’m not going cheap on you this year. I’m giving you enough cryptocurrency to buy some flowers, chocolates, AND a nice romantic dinner. Of course, you’ll have to find a merchant that accepts Bitcoin to get those things. I think I’ve found a website in Slovenia that might do:

Weird… this website was working yesterday.

But those are just details, baby. The most important thing isn’t the gifts I give you, it’s that those gifts represent what our relationship was founded upon: an anonymous, untraceable exchange of resources.

I look forward to an enchanting evening with you. Be sure to bring your dancing shoes, that dress I like, and a secure offshore server. Because Bitcoin has a lot in common with our love: I have to hide both of them from the government.