Guess Who’s Having a ‘Hot Girl Summer’? Yep, It’s Me.
I know what you’re thinking. Just declaring you’re having a Hot Girl Summer isn’t enough to guarantee that it’s actually happening.
But for moi? Biz-itch, it’s real. Since the air conditioning went down, I’ve got all the signs and I’m on my bullshit — and I honestly don’t even know what that means — but you can’t and shouldn’t deny a Hot Girl Summer to anyone.
So, let me lay it out for you on the real real. Here’s how I know what I know is undeniable, girl. Just peep these symptoms, or should I call them superpowers?
Breezy Confidence
I just did a Zoom meeting in boxer shorts. How’s that for breezy confidence? I followed that up with a trip to the mailbox. Still in boxer shorts. Will I be hearing from the HOA? I hope so. This real ass bitch don’t give af. Hot Girl Summer, everyone; no time for haters.
Full-Time Freaking
Freaking on the weekends? That was for the 2019 Hot Girls. I’m planning on freaking every single moment now that time has no meaning and the AC is dead. Monday? Straight freaking. Tuesday during the All-Staff Zoom? I’m about that freaking. Freaking in the kitchen? Bitch, I can freak anywhere I want to. All by myself. As long as I keep the drapes closed. Hot Girl Summer is not about a free show for nosy neighbors.
Hydration
Having a Hot Girl Summer means not skipping the liquids. So I’ve been fueling this sweaty, stallion-sized body with nothing but the nectar of the Gods: Gatorade Zero and Bacardi. Those two mingle together as tight as a column on an Excel spreadsheet of email deliverables that I was supposed to present on my earlier Zoom call with my boss.
Getting What I Want When I Want It
I was always about having good time, but now that I’m having a Hot Girl Summer, I’ve taken it a zillion steps further: I’m about having a good ass time in theheat. Sometimes that means one Otter Pop from the freezer. Sometimes that means two Otter Pops at the same time. No one’s going to tell this Hot Girl no.
Reclaiming My Body
This temple (my body) was built with a combination of Ensure shakes, regular deliveries from Postmates, and microwavable hamburgers, and if this temple of positivity spills beyond the tight confines of my athleisure wear or a pair of boxer shorts, so be it. I’m going to own every pasty inch of it.
I am adjusting to the current temperature which is, to use one of my new Hot Girl Summer approved words, hawt.
Napping like a Motherfucker
I can’t be out stunting at all hours. Having a Hot Girl Summer means still making time for yourself and napping in a puddle of your own sweat while your work email alerts ping relentlessly. Don’t judge.
Hot Girl Summer Pix
Asked the neighbor to take a picture of me in sweatshorts, while drinking from a garden hose — because if you’re having a Hot Girl Summer, ya gotta feed the monster that is the ‘gram.
Note: It may not have been a neighbor. The heat is possibly causing vision issues.
Breezy Independence
I’m doing me. Whatever anybody’s got to say on the next Zoom call, they’re going to need to say it louder than this oscillating fan and a Bluetooth speaker blasting the queen.
Breezy Inventiveness
I just passed out from the heat and woke up to find that I’d scribbled out ten new variations for the word “bitch” on my whiteboard.
Brzi-tich. Bee yacht-it. Byeowritch. Beeeatch. Bizzy Yetch. Badunkabitch. Byotch. Brzz-zap-itch. Bjorkitch. Byrch.
I might need to invent more if the AC doesn’t get fixed.
New Email Signature
My email signature now reads:
Kevin Dorfin. VP of Email Outreach. H-town Hottie. Honorary Bad Bitch. Hot Girl Summer 2020 Participant.
Breezy Unemployment
Apparently there isn’t a role in the company that allows one to be both an H-town Hottie and the VP of Email Outreach. Therefore, this guy will be concentrating on having the Hottest Hot Girl Summer on record.
If you have any leads on an email marketing position or a reliable AC repair place, forward them to my new email:
KevinHotGirlSummerDorfin@hotmail.com
