How Pants Work
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How Pants Work

Hello. My Name Is Timothy.

May I woo you?

I have not left my apartment in 107 days.

Hello.

My name is Timothy. I am currently in search of a long-term relationship that can commence while we are socially distancing and slowly grow into something “beautiful” and “real.” If all goes well as we exchange messages via Match.com—and you send me a COVID-19 test scan proving that you either 1) do not have the virus, or 2) carry the antibodies for the virus and the date shows that the test took place 14 days earlier—then you may show up at my door so that we might take a 5-7 minute walk around the block together.

There is no need for me to submit a test for your review because I have not left my apartment in 107 days. I have trained my cat, Angus, to bring me groceries from the corner bodega with my knapsack strapped to his back. He brings me cream cheese, bread (with which I develop toast points), canned peaches, mustard, Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup, and Cap’n Crunch cereal. I place all of these items in a tub of bleach for 30-47 minutes prior to consumption.

If we successfully engage and deem each other appropriate for one another’s companionship during our walk, during which we will stay six feet apart, and the sun does not damage my skin after 107 days indoors, I may share a picnic of Campbell’s Cream of Mushroom Soup with sandwiches made from toast points, cream cheese, and mustard with you. I will sit on my fire escape, and you will sit on the one outside of apartment 3B, two floors below mine (I am in 5B). This is because my fire escape appears to be fewer than six feet in width, although I have not been outside to measure. Even if it is exactly six feet in width, we would be unable to sit six feet apart from one another, because we ourselves have width as well. To communicate, we may either send each other emails or shout. The acoustics in the courtyard are fair. If you prefer the former method, I will give you the passcode to my WiFi network, so you will not be required to use your data on our date.

If this is satisfactory to you, please respond with the following:

  1. Your full name;
  2. Your full address;
  3. Your social security number;
  4. The full name(s) of your pet(s), should you have any in your possession. If you have dog(s), I apologize, but our relationship would not be appropriate as I have a cat named Angus. I will not need the above information if this is the case; and
  5. The title of the most recent book you read and responses to the following sub-questions:
  • Why did you choose to read this particular book?
  • Is this consistent with the genres you generally select?
  • Did you like it?
  • If you responded affirmatively to the preceding question, please explain why. If you responded in the negative, please explain why not.

After responding to these prompts, you may ask me questions of your own. Please ask no more than five and number them as I have above to ensure clarity in my responses.

Sincerely yours,
Timothy

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Laura Berlinsky-Schine

Laura Berlinsky-Schine

Writer of words. Mocker of people and things. Dog mom to Hercules. Slackjaw, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, Jane Austen’s Wastebasket, and The Haven.

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