House Rules for Poltergeists
Note to my 5-year-old: See rules 1–10.
1. No hitting or pushing.
2. No pinching.
3. No playing with real knives.
4. No screaming, moaning, or crying for attention.
5. Do not leave your hand/mouth/tongue prints on windows.
6. Do not ram toy trucks into or over my feet repeatedly.
7. Do not hide my car keys in my wife’s underwear drawer.
8. Do not photobomb my teleconferences.
9. Do not slingshot my wife’s panties at my head during my teleconferences.
10. Do not play hide and seek with the baby.
11. Do not hide my ladder and tools and put them somewhere hard to find (i.e., the roof).
12. Do not put the baby on the roof!
13. Return my missing library books: “Easy Witchcraft Spells” and “Exorcism for Dummies.”
14. You are not allowed to be my child’s “imaginary friend.” I am very dismayed when I ask my child what he did at school, and the only thing he says is, “I played with George.” There is no one named ‘George’ at my son’s school!
15. Just so you know, my neighbors have a son almost the same age as mine…
16. Do not use my toilet and flush it at random times during the night.
17. Do not burn anything after you go (i.e., candles, towels, butt-flap on my long-johns).
18. Just so you know, my neighbors love visitors, and they recently upgraded to a high-tech smart toilet with heated seats and bidet…
19. Do not blow in my ear or tickle my chest during intimate moments with my wife.
20. Do not tickle my wife. Anywhere.
21. Do not internet shop for thousands of dollars’ worth of designer clothing, shoes, and handbags. My wife claims it’s you, and I’m not sure what to believe, so I thought I’d make this a rule just to be super clear.
22. Do not crank call me in the middle of the night and leave annoying, static-y, hissing voicemails. You’re starting to sound like my mother-in-law. Since you both hate being alone, I think you two would be perfect for each other. Plus, she’s almost dead anyway.
23. Ow, didn’t I mention no pinching already?! My butt cheeks are sore.
24. Do not disconnect my calls with my real estate agent.
25. Do not hover in the window as an ominous, shadowy figure when I have buyers approaching and then disappear like vapor, only to leave behind a palpable trace of “dark energy.”
26. Don’t you dare touch the “For Sale” sign in front of our house.
27. GEORGE CAN VISIT NEW HOUSE ANYTI — Dammit, George! You can’t add your own rules to this list! And you’re not allowed visits!
28. DON’T YOU DARE INTERRUPT GEORGE. GEORGE WILL SHOW WHO IS BOSS.
29. Hey, how’d I end up on the goddamn roof?! I swear if you touch or push me, I’ll — AghgghHHH@$#%&!
30. GEORGE CAN NOT HELP BROKEN CRYING MAN ON GROUND.
31. GEORGE CAN NOT GIVE RIDE TO HOSPITAL.
32. GEORGE WILL NOT LET YOU RUN OR HIDE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
