How to Fend Off a Grizzly Bear in 21 Easy Steps!
1. Find a grizzly bear (see above).
2. Approach the grizzly bear.
3. Sock it in the nose. (Don’t hesitate, just do it!)
4. Endure subsequent mauling.
5. Pull yourself together.
6. Plot your revenge.
7. Disguise yourself as a bear.
8. Befriend the bear that mauled you.
9. Have the bear introduce you to its family.
10. Slowly fall in love with bear culture.
11. Further assimilate until you’ve completely forgotten your human roots.
12. Years later, while out on the hunt with your bear friends, stumble upon an unsuspecting human family having a picnic lunch. The bears will want to attack them and steal their food, but you’ll be unsure.
13. Struggle with conflicting emotions.
14. Just as your bear kin are about to attack the humans, remember that one time when you were mauled by a bear and how terrible it made you feel.
15. Yell, “STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!”
16. Reveal to the bears your true human identity, and tell them that mauling humans is wrong.
17. Explain to them how you disguised yourself as a bear in order to get revenge but soon fell in love with their way of life and realized that, deep down, bears and humans aren’t so different after all.
18. Trust that the goodwill and respect you’ve earned from the bears over the years will be enough to stop them from mauling the innocent family.
19. Realize that your plan has backfired, and that now, instead of mauling the innocent family, the bears are going to maul you because they’re angry at you for duping them.
20. Endure subsequent mauling.
21. File a restraining order against grizzly bears.
Originally published at joeboettcher.tumblr.com.
