How to Make Ohio and Pennsylvania’s Anti-Abortion Bills More Attractive
Ladies, submit your demands! Here are mine.
Extreme anti-abortion bills proposed by Ohio and Pennsylvania lawmakers have been making the news. And guess what? I actually think we can come to a great compromise. It’s time to negotiate.
Why care about what I want to do with my own body? Why concern yourselves with my human rights?
I mean, if I will be forced to carry and birth America’s babies, it’s only fair. Right?
Hey, Ohio lawmakers. I hear you. I should definitely be incarcerated for even thinking about getting an abortion.
Why care about what I want to do with my own body? Why concern yourselves with my human rights? At the end of the day, my life and interests don’t matter — especially the minute I get pregnant.
Oh my! An ectopic pregnancy you say, Doctor? Well, let’s just get that baby a new home. We can bippity-boppity-boo the embryo into my uterus — modern medicine can’t do it, but nothing’s impossible if we just close our eyes, click our heels together, and wish really, reeeeaaalllly hard.
Oops, did I say embryo? I meant “fetus”. Thanks, Pennsylvania! Your diligent efforts would ensure that we respect every pregnancy — heck, every last egg. We need to be respectful of the newly defined fetal death.
Of course, this means we need death certificates and burials for each failed pregnancy — a whole lot, especially as 50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.
You know what, we should rightfully mourn every single period as a symbol of our failure as a vessel — uh, I mean, woman — to conceive. Shame on us.
Well, we’re definitely on the same page! I just have a few things that I need to fulfill my duty.
1. Insurance
You know, I am carrying quite the precious commodity in my body. And I see that you care very much about it — as you rightly should. In that case, I’m going to need insurance on these children.
I have about 400 chances to get pregnant. If we insure each egg, then any payouts can go directly to children of my successful pregnancies.
Wouldn’t you call that a win-win situation? Well, my BFF who actually came up with this one definitely thinks so. And I have to say — I agree.
2. Tax Exemptions
About those 400 eggs. I should be able to claim every single one of those on my taxes! They are my dependents, you know.
So what’s that now? Almost 1 million dollars for my annual tax return? Perfect.
Now, we just need to calculate my back taxes from, oh, say the age of 13? I mean, if we can go to prison by that age for violating abortion laws (here’s looking at you Ohio), then surely I would say this is a reasonable request.
3. Protect #SpermToo!
Well, if a fertilized egg that doesn’t implant in the uterus is a fetus, then shouldn’t the same apply to an unfertilized egg that actually *does* implant? How fair is it to consider one of these states more of a pregnancy than the next?
I mean, it’s only logical, right?
On that note, the same should be applied to the male reproductive cell? Finally, Pennsylvania, you have probably brought us true equality — men can have fetuses too!
We have to work just as diligently to protect their fetuses. No more masturbating — I mean, the senseless killing of children in the palm of the hand or on the backs of women. Shameful.
To be fair, 12-year-old boys can produce babies. Make sure mothers report any suspicious socks or stains on their sheets. Maybe prison time will straighten them out. They need to know that what they do with their sperm is absolutely not their choice.
Oh, and don’t forget those death certificates and burials!
4. Sperm Tax
Anyhow, on top of prison time, we should implement a sperm tax. Every time my partner spills his seed in anything other than my uterus, he should pay taxes for violently wasting precious resources.
This tax will work to cover any deficit potentially resulting from those annual million-dollar tax payouts! Plus, save lives of course — which is definitely more important.
See what happens when we work together!
5. Ban Vasectomies
Well, think about it. If sperm cannot get into the semen, then it stays in the body and dies!
And since we now know that the sperm should actually be considered a fetus, then that means it is a fetus that is being subjected to death by dissolution!
That’s practically male abortion! Maybe worst… I mean, haven’t you seen things dissolve? It just looks painful.
No more vasectomies! Sperm deserves to live too! #spermtoo
These are my top demands. I am sure that I will continue to come up with more over time. But, don’t worry — I’ll be sure to send you an updated list.
Us women and men have to do right by our fetuses! #babymakingvessels #eggsarefetuses #spermtoo
