How to Not Sit in the Spiders
A guide for anxious, but peaceful, co-existence.
I live in the woods, so sitting in spiders is a common problem of mine. After months of cold weather, it can be easy to forget the annual influx of arachnid tourists in springtime, so the first instance of sitting in them is an unwelcome, albeit helpful, reminder.
Sitting in spiders, it should be noted, is a very different and distinct action from sitting on spiders—which can be done anywhere, at any time, and without warning. This is typically of more concern to the spider than it is to you, and it is entirely possible that you may not even notice your situation until much, much later. Laundry day, usually. I once walked around all day with a flattened frog in my shoe, only to find the poor bastard the very next morning, legs splayed and eyes dislodged. But I digress.
When you live in the woods, or really anywhere that trees exist in close proximity to your house, spiders too live there, and they have far fewer qualms when it comes to privacy and property easements. In short, they are unapologetically invasive. Their houses, known colloquially as “webs,” though thankfully most often relegated to the outside of your home, are typically built in the least convenient locations. Where you want to be, specifically.
Which brings us to the art of not sitting in them. First, I suppose, I should give you a solid definition of what sitting “in” a spider precisely means. Remember the aforementioned spider homes (webs)? They’re downright invisible. In fact, you can walk straight up to one, squinting, and still not see it until it has adhered to your face. This, evidently, is so that they may catch their preferred prey without the prey realizing that it’s being caught. It’s all very clever. At any rate, humans are unable to get stuck in these death homes, but we are equally incapable of seeing them. Especially if they are built in your favorite porch chair. This is often where problems arise.
If you own a porch, you most likely also own a chair. Why else have a porch? Spiders consider this convenient object to be ideal real estate and weave webs (homes) through the arms, legs, and seat. This makes sitting in the chair a near-constant fight to relax without putting yourself in the position where you might experience that horrible feeling of eight little legs crawling up your back, down your leg, or on your head.
So how do you avoid this? You could never go outside again, I suppose. But you bought a house with a porch, so you’ll probably see it as a waste if you just let the spiders steadily arachnify the neighborhood with their cheap flimsy homes. Instead, you’ll have to do everything in your power to claim your spot in your small, spiderweb-laden kingdom. This requires consistent adherence to several behaviors.
Behavior number one involves exiting your backdoor (or your front or side door, depending on where your porch is) wildly waving your arms in a clockwise and counterclockwise fashion, alternating between the two for maximum coverage. This should stop any spiders from attaching themselves to your face, like the time I rode my bike into a spiderweb on the trail behind my childhood home. (I crashed, but fortunately the only person around to see was the spider clinging desperately to my glasses.) You’ll of course need to make sure that none of the spiders end up attaching to your arms for too long, so immediately following your windmilling, you’ll need to exasperatedly brush off your arms (and neck, for good measure) while swirling around in circles to make sure none of them followed you.
Behavior number two involves staring at your chair for a really long time to determine whether or not you can spot any of the webs before you have to actually get your hands dirty. If the sun is rising or setting, it may make this process a little easier, as the webs may glimmer in the light. If it is nighttime, you may be better off inside.
Behavior number three is the hard one. You will want a brush or a broom or a mop. A stick, if none of these are available to you, though I suggest eventually investing in all three. At any rate, you will need to “brush” your chair down and remove any webs that might be in the spot where you’d like to sit. If there are spiders seated in your chair, you will first politely ask them to move, preferably with a slight shoo-ing motion of the hands. If they do not comply, I’d suggest removing them as gently as you can (perhaps with a cup or magazine) before you inevitably just drop them off the side of the porch and back away spastically.
If you did as instructed above, your chair should be spider-free. But don’t forget the crevices while brushing, and remember to check overhead to see if any spiders are dangling down from the treetops above your head. Once you’re finished with your business outside (i.e. staring at a book for five minutes until you decide it’s too hot), you may safely return inside and hit at least three webs that have been rebuilt in the meantime.
