How Your Favorite Comic Strip Characters Will Die

Everyone dies. Even comic strip characters. Hell, especially comic strip characters. Here’s how the beloved bright spots of the funny pages shall one day shuffle off this mortal coil.

Mark Trail. While hiking in the woods one day, he stops to observe a grizzly bear searching for food. He loudly delivers a long spew of information to his pre-teen companions about the bear, its natural habitat, its dietary habits, and how its population is increasingly threatened by encroaching civilization. The bear hears him going on and on and savagely mauls Mark Trail. All that remains are a few teeth and some pieces of a red plaid shirt.

Dagwood Bumstead. As a special birthday treat, Dagwood’s wife, Blondie, allows him to do with her the one thing in that he’s always wanted to do but she’s never allowed him. That’s right: He gets to bring a gigantic sandwich into the bedroom and use it as part of an elaborate game of sandwich-based sex play. As he climaxes, he asks Blondie to shove the sandwich deeper into his throat. He chokes on it and dies.

Garfield. While Garfield is a special cat in that he has sentient thought, eats lasagna, and drinks coffee, he’s not so special that he doesn’t one day succumb to the number one killer of American housecats: a urinary tract infection. He dies on a Monday.

Snoopy. He dies honorably, on the battlefield, shot down by an imaginary German pilot above the imaginary countryside of France.

Dennis the Menace. He has terrorized the neighborhood for so long that the residents band together and kill him. Yes, exactly like Freddy Krueger.

Calvin. Lost in his own fantastical thoughts one day while shepherding his kids around a zoo, he comes face to face with a real-live tiger. But in his haze of whimsy, he thinks the tiger is actually his childhood stuffed animal/imaginary friend Hobbes, and he works his way into the big cats habitat. The tiger mauls him, and while it certainly built character, Calvin later dies of injuries sustained in the melee.

Beetle Bailey. Gulf War III. Friendly fire.

Billy from Family Circus. What starts off as a regular walk around the neighborhood turns tragic as he gets distracted by a dog, a pie cooling, a game of baseball, and a hopping bunny, which he follows as it makes a random, zig-zaggy pattern into the woods. Billy gets lost and dies in the woods.

Cathy. While trying on swimsuits in a department store changing room, Cathy suffers a fatal stroke. An autopsy links it to her lifelong losing battle with chocoholism. Ack.

Hägar the Horrible. Both tiring of years of mockery at the hands of his superior and desperately craving power, Lucky Eddie stabs Hägar in the heart with a spear and seizes control of the Viking ship upon which they have had so many raids and conquests. Lucky Eddie, who rechristens himself Edward the Cruel, orders the other Vikings to throw the body of Hägar overboard, somewhere off the coast of Iceland. When Edward returns home, he tells Hägar’s long-suffering wife Helga that Hägar was killed in a battle with Saxons. Edward then takes Helga as his bride, and he treats her far better than Hägar ever did.

Marmaduke. Intestinal blockage caused by eating literal garbage out of the neighbor’s garbage can.

That one lady from The Far Side with the cat-eye glasses. Her impaired vision was just the first of many complications of Type 2 diabetes. She didn’t even know she had the metabolic disease until she noticed one day that her foot and lower leg had turned purple. Three days later, she was in a hospital getting it amputated. Less than a year later, her kidneys gave out.

Andy Capp. You would assume liver failure from years of heavy drinking, or being beaten to death by his wife with a rolling pin after coming home late after a night of heavy drinking, but Andy actually lives to be 105 years old.

Ziggy. Alone.

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