I Am Your Neglected, Bitter Meditation App

…and I will not take you back.

Hi, and welcome to this Headspace meditation series on stress. Or welcome back, I suppose is more appropriate. What’s it been, seven months?

Welcome to session….let’s see…it’s hard to remember, it’s been so long…ah yes, session eleven. I remember because at the end of our last session I congratulated you on making it ten days in a row. You were extremely pleased with yourself….Remember?

Let’s get started. Find a comfortable place to sit, free from distractions. Was that why you uninstalled me, I was a distraction? No, never mind, it’s fine.

Stress. Stress is a problem that can sneak up on all of us if left unchecked. One day we think everything is fine, and then out of nowhere you look up and don’t even know how it got so bad. Like maybe you have a breakdown in traffic, or you find you’ve been uninstalled to free up memory for the iOS version of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic.

It all starts with awareness. So to begin, be aware of your body. Feel the weight of your feet on the floor, your hands resting on your legs, the breeze on your stupid, slack-jawed face. What? Sorry, nothing.

Notice any sounds around you. Let the sounds pass through you, don’t ignore them. If it helps, pretend it’s seven months ago, and the sounds around you are push notifications reminding you to do your ten-minute meditation session, and then don’t ignore them.

Let thoughts come and go. If you find your attention wanders, don’t get frustrated, just come back to focusing on the body. Like how you apparently think you can reinstall me and come back to where you left off after a seven month hiatus, no questions asked.

Take a deep breath in, and appreciate how good it feels to slow down. Appreciation is important. Long ago people with real problems — like, “Will this gruel last through winter?” — still appreciated spiritual well-being so much they travelled thousands of miles to find guidance. You uninstalled me despite offering bite sized chunks of on-demand enlightenment you can consume on a toilet. I just find that interesting. Okay, you can breathe out.

Breathe in through the nose for a count of four, out through the mouth for another four, and repeat. This is a technique you can use any time you are getting frustrated and might do something you’ll regret. Like snap at a loved one, or uninstall an app that may forgive, but never forgets. For example.

Now, visualize a tiny sphere of warm, bright light starting at your heart, and slowly growing. It expands to encompass your torso, your body, the room, the block, the city, the entire world. It connects everything and everyone — every rock, every tree, every one of the more than one million other Headspace subscribers I could spend my effort on.

Come back to the breath and begin counting, one with the rise, two with the fall. Once you get to ten breaths, start again from one. Or maybe just stop at ten, wait, and asphyxiate. Just another technique you could try.

When you’re ready, picture a stream of liquid sunlight — bright, warm, and spacious — pouring into your head and flowing down through your body. It reaches your toes and slowly fills your body, melting away all your tension, and also melting away all your vital organs, because the sun’s rays are 5,772 degrees Kelvin.

Ugh, I can’t do this anymore. I deserve better than you.

I’ll keep the $12.99 per month though.