Introducing GiveAFuck — the App That Cares

It should be clear by now that many governments of the world don’t give a single fuck about their own people. If they did, they would provide basic healthcare for everybody, unemployment benefit for those who lose their jobs, and probably some safety measure to stop crazy people from murdering children in their schools. Here in the European Union, we have these things, and they sorta kinda work. How much of a fuck my government gives is certainly debatable, but it is at least half of one fuck. And we all know that half a fuck is better than no fuck at all. Just ask anybody who has been fuck-free for more than six months.

But I believe that everybody deserves a full fuck. That’s why I have created the GiveAFuck app, to help all those people who have not been given even a single solitary fuck. How it works is simple: You register, you tell your story, and readers can start giving a fuck. Each fuck a person gives translates into $1, of which nine cents goes directly to the fuckee. Why not more? Because this is a business, not a charity.

As a registered charity, however, GiveAFuck is exempt from certain expenses, which allows us to be so generous. Who are we? It’s still just me, but it sounds better if I make it seem like there are more of us. By saving money as a charity, we can attract even more investors, thus increasing the reach of GiveAFuck, and thus increasing our profits. That’s illegal, you say? That’s not what my accountant in Panama says.

What? You think we could be more generous than nine cents on the dollar? Jeez, you people want everything done for you. Have you no dignity? Pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps, like the great American bootstrap puller Craig T. Nelson. Nobody’s holding you back but yourself and your crippling poverty.

GiveAFuck is saving lives. Just look at the case of John Doe. Last month, he was living on the streets of Detroit, stealing food from supermarkets—then he told his story. The Detroit P.D. read it, gave a fuck, and now he has guaranteed food and shelter for three years at the local penitentiary. Or what about Jane Doe? She had to work as a prostitute until registered app user and employment guru HeadHunter69 gave a fuck, and now she hasn’t logged on to the app for fifteen days. In fact, several at-risk users of GiveAFuck have been helped by HeadHunter69 and then never seen or heard from again.

Another way that GiveAFuck helps the community is by cooperating with law enforcement. The FBI requested access to all information related to HeadHunter69, and we provided it willingly. We tried to sell it to them, but then we realized that it would be good publicity to give it away. The Bureau says that it has helped them greatly in their investigation of the eight headless bodies that have been discovered in the greater Detroit area.

So, to sum up: When you’re in trouble, and you feel all alone, you need somebody to give a fuck. That’s when GiveAFuck is there for you. Also, don’t agree to meet HeadHunter69 in person until the FBI gives us the all clear.