Macy’s, in an Effort to Make 2017 Just That Much More Fucked Up, Unveils Their Long-Awaited List of This Year’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloons
Red Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger
Pikachu
Pennywise
Keith Richards
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Crying Michael Jordan
Keith Morrison of Dateline NBC
A Scary Nun
Cheryl Tiegs from her 1978 Virginia Slims Advertisement
John Malkovich
Jeff Bezos
Dr. Phil
Jeff Sessions (for this, Macy’s has just repurposed the existing Elf on the Shelf balloon, which made its debut in the 2012 Thanksgiving Day Parade, but made it racist and forgetful)
Angela Lansbury
Kenneth, that guy who used to ride the school bus with you when you were little and who now works at the Exxon station at the corner of Charles Ave. and Stevenson Road
Ricardo Montalbán and Hervé Villechaize
The Maytag Repairman
Mike Pence (repurposed existing Buzz Lightyear balloon, but painted navy blue and made gay)
Chance the Rapper
Melanie Griffith in Milk Money
Pope Francis
Flo from the Progressive Commercials
Samuel L. Jackson in Get Out
Keith Urban
A Russian Prostitute
Donald J. Trump (repurposed existing Pillsbury Doughboy, but painted orange with added mountains of hair the color of a Creamsicle plastered onto the top of the balloon and combed in ways that defy the laws of physics)
Mr. Monopoly
The Twitter Bird
Ronald McDonald
Snoopy
