How Pants Work
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How Pants Work

Move Over #GirlDads, Meet My Stepdad Greg

There’s a new Girl Dad in town.

Greg in his formal wear. The pants make all the difference!

“Girl Dads” are getting a lot of attention these days. It’s a new wave of dads who are embracing the more nurturing side of fatherhood. And while I know everyone thinks their dad is the coolest, my stepdad Greg is probably the most badass person I know. Check out these stats: He’s strong enough to punch a hole in the drywall when he loses at Grand Theft Auto. He’s a big history buff, and even named his 1999 Saturn after the “Queen of Porn,” Jenna Jameson. And the only thing he can actually cook is heating up a hot dog in the microwave. Truthfully, I’ve never met another dad that lives up to Greg’s individualism and street cred, and that goes for you Girl Dads, too.

For every little boy on the playground that has ever told me I “throw like a girl,” there’s a Girl Dad out there that’s empowering their daughter to pursue sports, even if she’s bad at it like me! Girl Dads become the competitive coaches of their daughters’ sports teams who take things way too seriously and argue with the ref even if their daughter sucks. But Greg fights fair and square with me because he gives me noogies like I’m one of the guys he’s trying to fight at the bar when they accidentally bump into him. Greg gave me a noogie so hard once when we started wrestling, I became concussed! So while you’re refusing to let your sissy daughter play a sport because of CTE, my stepdad Greg has already given me CTE in the name of friendly athletic competition.

It’s no secret men feel like they can walk all over women like a doormat, and it’s the responsibility of the father to teach his daughters to stand up for themselves. Girl Dads help empower their daughters to stand up in the face of injustice and uncertainty. My stepdad Greg is a prime example of how to be brave every single day. Whenever my mom and him have a slight disagreement, he immediately cowers like a little bitch and starts to cry, letting my mom emasculate him. Greg hasn’t gotten a single thing he wants in the relationship and that’s a win for all women.

It doesn’t help that Girl Dads today are so extravagant with everything they do just for the sake of proving to everyone else they’re a good father. The other day CNN was praising a dad that built a 10-foot replica of Cinderella’s castle for his young daughter that took him 200 hours and $1,200 to make. Greg says that type of baloney is a waste of time and money, and that girls with fathers like those will grow up spoiled. And he’s right, it’s so over-the-top! Meanwhile, Greg says he never buys the top-shelf Lucky Charms brand because it’s just a money pit and also because he hates cartoon immigrants.That’s what I love about Greg. He’s always teaching me about life skills like budgeting and fair character judgment!

Greg says a lot of Girl Dads are sacrificing their masculinity in order to make their daughters happy, and I totally agree. Stuff like dressing up in princess outfits and having fake tea parties make them look like “pansies,” as Greg likes to say. He claims that he wouldn’t be caught dead in a princess dress, which is no surprise because he’s essentially been wearing the same Hooters T-shirt with the sleeves cut off for two years straight. Only a real strong father figure would have the balls to embrace his hick identity!

Great Girl Dads are always willing to cater to their daughter’s wants and needs. Better dads like Greg lead the carpool when me and my friends want to get our nails done. He was nice enough to stay around when we were getting our nails done not in the waiting room, but bloodied in an alley next to a strange man behind a dumpster! Can you blame him for not wanting to read a People magazine from 2007 in the salon lobby?

One thing hasn’t changed for Girl Dads, and that’s maneuvering the tricky topic of boys and dating. While every father handles it differently, it’s common for Girl Dads to take their daughters out on a proper date to show them how a man is supposed to treat them. The closest thing Greg has ever got to taking me on a date was when we parked our asses on the living room couch and watched a 10-hour marathon of pirated Girls Gone Wild DVDs he had gotten from his old buddy Chip. That was one of the funnest weekends I’ve ever had! Greg sure knows how to pick a good female-led movie, which you sure can’t learn at a fancy schmancy restaurant on a fake-date.

At the end of the day, Girl Dads and my stepdad Greg are doing the best they can to help teach their daughters how to stand up and be strong in a world where the cards are stacked against us. I knew Greg was no ordinary Girl Dad when I told him I was heading over to participate in the Women’s March. Greg was staring at the television with his mouth slightly open and bravely said “whatever.” What’s more important than a father’s acceptance, is his indifference. And that is what a true Girl Dad is all about.

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Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

Emily Kapp & Daniel Stillman

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Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman are both Chicago-based humor writers. You can contact them at kappstillmansatire@gmail.com.