Can I Be a “Sports Illustrated” Swimsuit Issue Cover Model?

What do you mean, “No”?

Not Pictured: the Author

Dear “Sports Illustrated,”

I understand you have a swimsuit issue coming out this year. I don’t know what your usual selection criteria are — I assume a battery of tests and maybe a loyalty oath — but whatever they are, I’d like to throw my sun hat into the ring.

Let’s start with the swimsuit: I own my own trunks and will be happy to bring them. You’re saving money right there. The trunks are a “novelty” color the tag calls “moldy yellow,” but that’s because they are from a cartoon that hit the airwaves once and was never heard from again. I believe the show was called “Onion Fighters.”

(This also explains the katana-wielding onion emblazoned on my crotch.)

But let’s be honest — nobody buys the so-called “Swimsuit Issue” to look at the swimsuits. They buy it to look at what’s IN the swimsuits. So let me show you what I’m packing:

I’m not trapped in here with you; you’re trapped in here with me.

Do you know what that is? It’s a fish. I’m willing to keep it in a bag in my pocket in order to be closer to the ocean than any other model. I was trying to figure out why a SPORTS magazine would feature PEOPLE IN SWIMSUITS once a year, and then it hit me: You’re all about OCEAN CONSERVATION.

Once I figured this out, I was shocked to look back on previous cover models yet see no mention about fish or the ocean at all. I’m willing to spread your message of awareness on magazines and posters worldwide. A body tattoo is not out of the question.

My educational background includes CPR training and being FULLY VERSED in lifeguard duties from watching all three (3) versions of Baywatch. If one of the crew members falls in the water during our shoot?

I. Will. Keep. Them. Alive. With. My. Mouth.

I understand you’d be taking a risk on me. Most of the previous models are a different “type” than me (I’m a Leo), and also seem to be women. While this may have made sense to appeal to your core demographic, I think I could help you expand into some new ones.

Here are just a few examples:

• People who like body hair
• People who like eczema
• Pet owners

(I love pets.)

So, you see, Sports Illustrated, I can bring something to the swimsuit game that you’ve never had before: variety.* While I may not be a “hardbody” or “toned” or “allowed on some beaches,” I am cheap. And available. And I won’t complain about where the sand gets.

*And also my own swimsuit. Just a reminder: You’re saving $17.99, pre-tax.