My Weird White House

(with apologies to Dan Gutman)

Sheryl Zohn
How Pants Work
3 min readApr 29, 2020


My name is D.J. and I hate work.

I was lying in bed when Ivanka came in and said I had to get dressed and go downstairs. No fair! It was Saturday, and that’s my day for watching Fox News and tweeting about that dumb Obama guy.

Ivanka said, “Coronavirus infections have doubled. You have to brief the press.” I didn’t move. Then she whispered, “I’ll get you a Big Mac.” Ivanka always knows what I like.

Ivanka and I walked down to the Oval Office. We call it the Oval Office because it’s shaped like a circle. My friends Steve and Mike were talking about something called GDP. I think it might be a scary amusement park ride, because Steve said it dropped really fast.

Dr. Fauci came in carrying a big folder.

“We have some results in on antibody testing in Northern California,” Dr. Fauci told everyone.

“Boring!” I shouted.

Dr. Fauci frowned at his folder. Dr. Fauci is so grouchy!

Then I said, “I’m going to start the conference now so I don’t miss Judge Jeanine. But first, I want to pick my team. Line up against the wall.”

I could tell Dr. Fauci wanted me to pick him, but I didn’t. I chose Dr. Birx instead. I also chose Mike. We call him Mike the Bible Guy because he’s always pretending to read the bible.

We walked to the Briefing Room single file. It was full of reporters. They were sitting boy-girl, but six feet apart from each other so they wouldn’t catch cooties.

This annoying girl named Maggie raised her hand and asked, “Why are Governors still complaining that the Federal government has not supplied sufficient testing materials?” I tried to ignore her, but her crybaby friend Yamiche added, “Didn’t you say there would be more than enough tests a month ago?”

I didn’t know the answer, so I looked at Mike, but he was staring at his bible again. If he weren’t my best friend, I’d hate that guy. Then I got an idea.

“You know how Dr. Birx says we have to wash our hands with soap and hot water so we don’t get Coronavirus and die?” I asked.

Dr. Birx smiled at me, so I kept going. “We should all wash our lungs with soap and hot water, too. That will kill the virus and then we won’t need any testing.”

I looked at Dr. Birx, but she wasn’t smiling anymore. She was covering her eyes with her scarf. Dr. Birx is really berserk!

The reporters all started shouting at the same time. I’m pretty sure they wanted to give me the Noble Prize. That’s a big prize they give to people who are really noble, whatever that means.

Just then, I smelled something delicious. Ivanka was standing in the doorway. She had my Big Mac plus a chocolate shake.

“That’s all for today,” I told the reporters. I took my dinner and went back to my room.

Maybe I’ll answer more of their questions another day.

But it won’t be easy!



Sheryl Zohn
How Pants Work

Sheryl Zohn is a writer based in Los Angeles. She is the co-host of the humorous podcast series “Who’s Next Door.”