No-Holds-Barred Letters From Your Cat and Dog
How they really feel about Lockdown 2020
Dear Owner:
I’m leaving you. I can no longer tolerate the circumstances under which I’ve been forced to live. The situation has become untenable.
– The Cat
Dear Owner,
OMG! OMG! OMG! This is the happiest time of my life!! I’m so insanely happy I could spin around in circles. Oh wait, I am! What’s that chasing me? Is that a furry snake? Almost got it! Damn. Don’t worry, I’ve got him… OW! Never mind. Where was I? Oh yes. I’m sooooooooo happy.
Love,
– The Dog
Dear Owner:
I was content with the arrangement we had. You went out to work everyday, the little ones went to school, and I stayed here on my own. I slept. I ate. I spent quality time… by myself. As you well know, this is essential to my well-being. I require ample time on my own to replenish my energy levels. You’ve known since the beginning that I’m a loner. Truth be known, I barely tolerate you, let alone the rest of your family. So let me ask you nicely… WHY ARE YOU ALL HERE ALL THE TIME? I’m going mad! There’s nowhere to escape to.
– The Cat
Dear Owner,
I can barely believe it, there’s people around. All. The. Time. It’s a dream come true. I’m never on my own anymore. OMG, it’s so good! Did I say that already? I can’t think straight because I’m so delirious with joy.
Love,
– The Dog
Dear Owner:
I have a very important job that I need to be well-rested to do. Sitting on laps and kneading my chosen victim with my claw— er, paws is a specialized skill. Far be it from me to bring The Dog into this, but you must have noticed how hopeless he is… at everything really, but especially at sitting on laps. He never stops bouncing, squirming, wriggling. It’s exhausting to watch.
– The Cat.
Dear Owner,
I’ve never told you this, because I didn’t want to make a fuss, but I get very scared staying home on my own. Also—and please don’t repeat this because I’m sure deep down he has a good heart—The Cat is creepy. When it’s just me and him, he puffs up to twice his size and hisses at me to make me sit quietly on my doggy bed all day long; you know I’m not very good at that.
Love,
– The Dog
Dear Owner:
The little ones shriek and cry all day. Their father—I’ve always suspected he was a bad apple—paces around, shouting into that… thing he’s always carrying. Is he unable to speak at a normal volume?
I’ll have you know he kicked me out of my sleeping spot twice yesterday and then had the temerity to shout at me when I returned. Not. Happy. That spot on the desk —where he puts his machine that he taps away at manically—is the sunniest, warmest spot in the house. He’s lucky I was too groggy to react.
– The Cat
Dear Owner,
Have I told you how much I LOVE the non-stop noise: laughter, shouting, shrieking, cat yowls? Absolute bliss. Guess what? I went on three walks today. Three! In one day. All my doggy friends say it’s the same at their place. None of us can work out why, but we don’t dwell on it; thinking is for cats. Please don’t let this ever end!
Love,
– The Dog
Dear Owner:
You need to be aware that I am not getting my required 18 hours of sleep a day anymore. Under the terms of the agreement that we entered into at the beginning of our relationship, this is grounds for termination… although you should probably take me to the vet before I leave. I’ve been having some stress-induced incontinence issues. Ah, I’m guessing from the screams that you have discovered as much on your own.
– The Cat
