Results Even More Anticlimactic Than The 2019 Scripps National Spelling Bee

“All of these teams are just terrific at hitting. We’ve actually almost run out of balls. So we’re just going to stop the baseball season, right now, and declare all of the teams co-champions. Don’t worry, you’ll all get World Series rings. Congratulations.”

“Tonight’s rose ceremony is going to be a little bit different. I simply can’t decide who I want to spend the rest of my life with. You all keep impressing me, date after date. So, you know what? I’m just going to marry you all. Roses for everyone, and, I don’t know, the legal department will find a way to make it all work out. Hope you like wedding cake!”

“We ran every test we could think of, and, I have to tell you, you’re colonized with everything. From streptococcus to campylobacter to erysipelothrix — and I know at least eight people who can spell all of those words — we just can’t figure out what’s making you sick, so we’ve decided to say it’s all of them. They’re all winners, and we’ll get you a ton of antibiotics to help your body figure it out. We hope.”

“There have been so many scandals in the college admissions process lately that we don’t want to risk making any decisions. So, just for this year — and, really, it’s only because you’re all so excellent and not because it’s getting late and we have somewhere else to be — you’re all in. Textbooks for everyone. Diplomas are on sale in the bookstore, too, so don’t worry about going to class or anything like that. We only said we’re changing the admissions process, not the way you can glide through four years without actually doing any schoolwork.”

“The world’s at peace, right? Pretty much? At least in a few countries? Cool, so — everyone — you can pick up your Nobel Peace Prize at the nearest 7–11, next Monday between the hours of 6 a.m. and midnight. Half-price on slurpees, too. Enjoy the prestige of sharing an award with billions of your fellow citizens.”

“I would love to be able to tell the difference between all of these vanilla cremeschnittes, but the truth is that they’re all kind of sweet, and soft, and custardy, and, really, isn’t it kind of silly to judge the details of a dessert so carefully when you know you want to eat the whole thing anyway even if it’s not perfect? So this year under the big tent, here on the Great British Baking Show, we’re going to admit that everything’s pretty good, and the viewers can’t taste it anyway — so you’re all winners, and let’s go ahead and bake six hundred doughnuts in eighteen different flavors in forty-five minutes, while wearing a blindfold.”

“It’s been a really long primary season, and there’s only one reasonable conclusion: You’d all be an improvement, so you all win.”