Second Acts, Unlimited Lives

“There are no second acts in American lives.” — F. Scott Fitzgerald, 1941.

Not a plumber.

“According to Mario’s newly updated, official Japanese-language profile, the iconic character isn’t working as a plumber.” — Kotaku, 9/4/17


Lara Croft retired from practical archaeology in 2011 to refocus her efforts on global initiatives meant to encourage school-age girls to pursue careers in STEM disciplines, including but not limited to tomb-raiding. The video of her presentation at the 2015 TEDWomen conference in Monterey, CA — Ponytails and Prehistory — is one of the most viewed in the entire series.

Questor has been enrolled in Overeaters Anonymous since his friends Thor, Merlin, and Thyra intervened and enabled him to realize that he had been using food as a crutch to deal with the stresses of crawling through dungeons relentlessly. With the encouragement of his one-time companions, Elf got the help he needed, badly.

Dastan abdicated his Persian princehood in 2014 to marry American divorcée Mildred Sanders of Dayton, Ohio. The couple lives with her mother and is deeply invested in several promising multi-level marketing arrangements.

When his master lost interest in hunting waterfowl, Dog found part-time work as an emotional support animal, visiting homes for the elderly in and around East Baton Rouge Parish, Louisiana. He passed away peacefully in his sleep last year at the advanced age of 14.

Sonic has not been a hedgehog for nearly a decade. Unable — and unwilling — to continue to deny the feeling that he was living a lie, Sonic quietly underwent genus reassignment surgery in 2009. He now lives as a moonrat. He is still blue.

Mike Tyson is no longer a professional heavyweight boxer. He is, as of January 2017, an actor, author, comedy video producer, promoter, philanthropist, and pigeon-tender.

Luigi has assumed control of the family business, buying out his fraternal twin’s stake through an intermediary. The brothers have not spoken in months.